I had lunch with Jamie, we met up again for lunch but this time i was protected by the belief that i am, no ones.
We talked about what has or has not happened during the week, i sensed a degree of fustration on his behalf, i was preoccupied by cigarettes (found at the back of a drawer) and staring into the distance.
"They're all the same, all the same....."
We had the lunch and like nothing had interrupted the time which slipped through our upturned eyelashes.
And then saturday came up.
He asked if i worked on saturday, he well knew i did, i proceeded to map out my itenerary, straight from work i will go to the QVB for some food (and bottle of Sake) then organise my self into opera-mode (change of outfit in the bathrooms there because they sooo pretty and have full length mirror) and jetisen down the opera house at 7, "meet you there."

"oh but i thought you could come round to my place, have a rest and i can cook dinner then go down to the performance"

You know when you fuck up when all of a sudden the illicit program you so comprehensively devised becomes a huge fuckin' X

fuck fuck fuck, i sooo fucked up.

However he did add, if i changed my mind i could text/call him during saturday.

"Dreams unwind, love is a state of mind"

I didn't show anything that would suggest aprehension he just smelt it through the plumes of my disguise.

Weekend was quiet, i got my crystal bits and been stringing them up for summer-neck-accesories, work was the usual, i had the moaner on saturday, she was quite vocal and i was feeling abit hung over so, it was a struggle.
Today i just cleaned my room and repotted some plants, all of my lily collection are gone, bleh, cost me a bit too but oh well but those stinky jonquils are popping up everywhere. Just took it easy, i've just been feeling low lately.
No news at all from Jamie, oh well, if i don't hear from him at all this week then i'll just not turn up at the opera house performance, i'm too old for pointless-ness and disappearing acts. Got dinner with Amy and fergus on friday night so that'll be fun and got to get back into the scene again, coffee, books,cigarillos and looking fantastic in skinny pants you know the deal.

I had a wonderful conversation with one of my indian clients on saturday, she lived in kenya for 10years and told me this recipe for henna hair dye. I love it when she wears her sari into the clinic. She just got her licence and i said 'revethi, you should race people at traffic lights" she just giggled.

I thought lunch mid-late week would be ideal to keep the momentem if not reciprocate after sunday night but he txt back "can't do, busy week"
So i was left in that peculiar space of cinematic confusion.
May be he did freak out on sunday, so much was optioned yet it was too early?

At this moment i would be happy to just be by myself again and not have any options and relegate him to the bottom of the priority list (and go drinking with boxen) . But i have that pre-booked modern opera performance next saturday with him which was suppose to be romantic, well i'd hope so anyway by romance out of modern screeching opera? i don't know.

I feel as though i'm making the same mistake again, emotionally, and i have to break this chain (i'm feeling a fleetwood mac moment here). It was written in my hororscope this week, that i must try and break a familiar pattern so i can, move to my next incarnation. So what does one do?
Be emotionally guarded till....when? or leave the doors of our deepest heart flung open with vast abandon?

You can have too much Stevie nicks.

I went out drinking with John this afternoon, down at 3weeds pub which will become my new favourite haunt.
Pub in the old style with cushy-seats, deco-mood lighting, tables the size of one-plank and friendly bar-people who speak in thick welsh accents .
They have ashtrays on everytable, God bless'em.
It's small and hidden eventhough it's on the main street.
John is a dear young friend (you know you're old when one has 'young-friends') who has just finished his doctorate thesis thingy in science and is only 24. It's been several months since we caught up so it was good to finally do so in the chilled surrounds of an old'yer pub. The drinks cheap ($5) so i knocked a few vodka and cranberries before we headed to that heathen, Lounge.

We talked some more but honestly we were thankful for the bangers and mash dinner and vodka cranberry (absolut). You see, i'm trying to curb my alcohol intake by restricting myself to one type of drink, how many is inconsequential.
It is hard to talk about the same things, to relate and opinionate on topics which we have vast experiences on. Or as john put it "but you have that much more experience"
Never the less the trip ride home was fun, the indian taxi driver kept burping all the way home.

We didn't go watching the kubric movie instead we had drinks and talked alot at gaslight then down to 3 weeds pub where he tried to say something but it didn't come out right, "i'm really glad we met" and i for a split second hesitated, a glimmer in the wash that is my eye, i hesitated and i think the world heard a perforated tide crash in.
I agreed and we had another drink.
Earlier on we headed to piccolo cafe for abit to eat, it was the usual politically incorrect comments left right and center, he seemd to enjoy the atmosphere and wanted to stay forever.
We share very similar life histories, we at times finish each others sentences, it may be, too much for him to digest.
Or maybe it's me, most probably it's both of us.

I'm about to go out to the pictures with Jamie, i've resisted seeing him during the week as i'm getting abit nervous about the direction of our relationship. Plus the fact i was down with the flu but that's another matter.

This has been the longest relationship so far (touching, kissing allowed) without having sex with the person and i'm finding it a whole new experience. I feel slightly vunerable, am i not communicating my affections enough to him? am i being frigid (from past experiences i don't think so) will i lose him to someone else who's more affronting?
The attraction is there and i have expressed so be it in a clumsy manner and do have the desire to sexually explore his long , toned body, he's blonde too (bonus points!! ding ding!!)
He suggested some 'pub' places for lunch which i'm sure would be fine , be it in paddington, but i abruptly suggested otherwise. I realised for the past few times, well everytime i've been the one who suggested, if not,, decided where we would meet up. I apologised for being so demanding, he seems to go along with most things, but we all have a certain quantity that wants to be heard and i don't want to be overbearing or a reason for regret.
So, the movie we're seeing , being kubric or something was his choice, i bit my tongue when i thought "omg this is boring" , who knows i may even enjoy it, i enjoyed lost in translation and that was something i wasn't looking forward to seeing.
It is this need to control the outcome of a situation, the need to pre-arrange incidents inorder to get away unscathed that has been my trademark of my exisitance but this time i want to change .

This flu bug is strong, well i went out today to see yuji about my hair, he fixed it and it seemed such a lovely day so i head over to wall after for coffee and smoke. I guess it isint good to smoke when u have blocked sinuses cos by the time i got home i could feel my brain scraping the inside of my skull. It was horrible and just now i held my nose and blew hard which popped my ears and now i have fluid draining down my nasal passage into my throat, it's gross but my head feels better and i took some antihistimines just because, i mean when else are u going to take them and now i feel all fuzzy with the physical pressence of an amoeba.
I remember once i took so many antihistimins at work i was doing a million things at once and freaked one of the girls out, she burst into tears when i tried to file a card, answer phone and wrap an ice pack at the same time.

Oh, i think it's time to revisit that scenario, these sudafeds are about to expire.

I got hit with the flu this week, well it's not that bad except for blocked sinuses and feeling all weak and vunerable. It's been so grey i could easily just collapse in the street and pretend i'm a modern Jane bloody eyre .
So besides sleeping and walking round like a zombie not much has happened, i've managed to pay Andrew back for the clothes he got me on credit in tokyo and paid for some crystal pieces which i will be wearing for summer.
My message for summer is, glamorous-new-age-chic.
So depending on my psychic energy for the day , i will wear a corresponding crystal necklace, eg rose-quartz if i'm feeling friendly, amethyst for serious aura prescence, clear-quartz for clarity ot black onyx for uber-attitude.
I'm trying not to be seduced by this new 'craft' phenomenon that has hit Australia, bead shops are opening everywhere and housewives have thrown their knitting needles and macrame sets away for glue guns, toggles and 8mm metal loops.
It's a craze!
But i did crystal necklaces before shell-chips were the ornament of surfy boys, gorgeous surfy boys.

Anyway, hopefully i will be fine for sunday so i can catch up with Jamie again, we've been keeping intouch alot, i mean, i try not to think too much about it, enjoy each moment not thinking too far ahead or it will just get me all nervous.
He's a nice guy (as far as i know) gentler and funny, quirky.

Saturday was busy as usual however there is an unpleasantness has entered the clinic which is a pity. Working with a bunch of women you certainly learn about bitchiness. It's funny sometimes but really annoying most of the time.
Anyway, i went to the hardware shop (god help me) today and bought some pots which looked kind of pretty and blue and cheap. When i got back i realised i had to take plants out of old pot and put them in new. It looks all fine and dandy on television but bloody hell pots are heavy, especially when there's soil in them.
But managed to repot the autum crocuses and found my lily collection has become mulch, pulled out the peppermint which has gone feral and cut back the crysathemumns. To think i actually enjoyed doing this years ago, i just want to concrete the entire back garden.

DSC06080

DSC06080
Originally uploaded by haru98.

Just because.

I took lunch at forbes and burton with a handful of trash mags.

Beef brisket between a round of creamy potato mash and umbrella sized field mushroom.

Very delicious!
Then i took a double gin and tonic and had a decent smoke outside.

I was bemused by Imelda marcos's quote in 'tatler' magazine

"i take over 2hrs to get dressed to see the poor"

to be continued....

You know when you've had too much partying when you mistake taking a fart for actually pooping and you're too lazy to, investigate.

Bucky done gun.

To have thought i was wallowing in self pity i ended up at club 77 last night trying to re-live my party animal past.
It started with an irrate french girl who accused me of stealing her mothers jacket which was a "expensive french label" i stupidly looked round with her under the table till i realised she had taken my cigar before i could advise her not to inhale , it was too late. Well i couldn't be bothered besides an hour later she was involved in some scrag fight with a tiny charcol-weilding art student and then she bursts into tears infront of some nobodies and scampers into the toilets for hours. Infact i lost track of time after i gave some "disapproving-looks-to-her-male-companion" who stood outside the toilet.
Stupid french bitch.
Jamie and i chatted away till the dancefloor looked more inviting, meaning we wouldn't be the only ones there making a fool of ourselves, the music was irratic.
I don't understand this new 80's industrial revival, it isn't even reworked merely played louder and mixed with very high pitched whistling sounds which really make you believe you have tinnitus.
Anyway the night progressed like most club-nights, the crowd came in, infact there was a crowd at club 77 which is rare. The old school were hovering round the back put ajar by these new art students. They are just soooo tiny!
One dear girl was so tiny i had to watch out for her or i could have decapitated her newly acquired bob-cut head with a swing of my elbows.

Why do people insist on taking drinks up on the dancefloor area and proceed to...drink? um it's a dancefloor... ????????????

I did come away feeling abit out of place, slight relic in an age of 80's retro bow ties , skinny clothes, devo-sunglasses at night (what?????) , boys in unbreathable paisley shirts and pastel ensembles.

Why do fat men with back hair insist on taking off their shirts?

The 'art performance' started quite late and was, well under-whelming. They had this girl dressed up in red sequin dress stuffed into two airbag breasts. She shimmied round the stage then plunged an audience members face into her breasts which popped, she manouvered the remaining breast into the center and had it popped whilst she was on the floor. Then she got some audience members to pump them up with bicycle pumps.
The end.
Now do i read something into this or do i just take it as burlesque-cum-nowhere?

Whatever happened to the huge igloo and belly-dancing inside? The neon body piercing or the german cannibal performance where he threw offal all over the floor and squirted the audience with fake blood which we later stomped on all night long?.

I missed the club 77 of old, the goths who've held onto their black lipstick/eyeliner and black hats, grey-felt just doesn't do it darlings.
The ones gripping the roots of Robert smith whilst screeching down avenues in something modern-european.
When haute meets rebel, when vegetarian is served on royal doultan.

So much for sentimentality.

It was nice to spend time with Jamie though.

Why is everyone so fat in the movie 'Titanic" ?

These few days haven't been all that glitters infact more so the fade.
It started with a mosquito buzzing round my head whilst i was having coffee and a lemon curd tart at Kinokuniya. It flew by me and round, hovering with the eloquence of a tropical butterfly with one half hearted wave of my hand it flew away then back again out the corner of my eye i see it spiral down into my cup of coffee.
Did it get caught the downdraft, a mini vortex of colliding hot and cold winds.
I scooped it out with a well polished teaspoon and continued.
Eventhough work hasn't been strenuous infact everything seemed to fall perfectly into place, familiar clients, familiar routine but a lead-like shroud kept wrapping round, enveloping every fuel cell.
I've only slept and read a dozen or so pages and couldn't wait to get home .
Maybe it's a cold, maybe it's withdrawl from excess, maybe it's the calm before the storm.
I nearly succumb to the stress of a fully booked saturday but managed to pull myself back when empathy made me a better man.

I went to bed at 7 tonight.

Now i'm feeling a little bit better, i don't have any want to go out anywhere, it's the long weekend, i don't know what's going on with my dispondancy that notion of continous non-rational fear, the need to be, occupied, fear of not being.

It's a peculiar feeling, when i was busy with being out and about i felt no desire to exist in an interior world that special place where beauty is magnified and exhaled. Once i said "what is art?" as a legitimate question.
This coming from someone who made his own oil paints.

Ws i suppose to go out clubbing this sunday? I'm almost dreading it although part of me would love to be social.

I even went to my doctor to have a mole check.

And so this goes on till i can say otherwise.

I've come to a decision about my financial predicament, i shall go on a budget.
The past attempts have led to major spending splurges (you really shouldn't repress the shopper within) however i have found taking stock of what you have tends to placate any urges for new purchases. I am thoroughly appalled at my excess to think there are people in the world barely have enough to pack into a Prada bum-bag in refugee camps surrounded by well-intentioned first-world kiddies decked out in pastel blue vests.
It's enough to make you want to whore yourself on the Kashmir border, darling.
So as i have been extremely successful at being celibate for the month of May surely i can refrain from adding to what i already have.
If i do have an irrational-depressive-poverty moment i would focus that urge on small purchases for people i don't like or sensible objects such as, kitchen implements and cleaning products.
This will hopefully come to it's loathsome conclusion and soothe my capitalist ways.
I don't want more, just better things.
So June will be budget-conscious month.

Lunch is exempted however alcohol will be restricted to one drink and make do with free table water.

Another thing i have to deal with is this British accent issue or as one person put it "malay-ssssian". I nearly choked on my canape.
I don't want to be mistaken for a , malay-sian nor do i want to be mistaken for a Laotian.
Once i was mistaken for an Indian!
Mind you, if all Indian boys were as sexy as the gorgeous boy at the supermarket check out today i wouldn't mind. That dark smooth skin and lips of wild cloves and peppery cinnamon and a juicy dark cock like.... well i don't know..haven't tasted indian cock yet.
Anyway this morning i spent 30minutes waiting at the bank to speak to someone about investment, they were very late so i left.
Don't piss me off in the morning especially when i'm wearing Prada and on an impossible budget.


And yet more, PRIVATE

Yes, i can do reading.

"Oh, I can see you running...I can see you running
I can see you running all the way back home"

It's been a fustrating week with busy-at-work and confused homeless people who rattle on about my grey jumper, in utter fustration i scream on platform 4 "IT'S FUCKIN DIOR HOMME!!!" to the stares of the destitute.
Then a pair of velvet cord-tie pants i had my eye on at david jones, i waited 3 days to make my move, i hesitated then thought, why not.. so i go back and do the change room, it has coded locks on the doors.
So i try it on.. felt lush, looked abit too big.. cross between tracksuit pants and some forgotten Yves Saint Laurent moment . So i sat down on the wooden bench in the room to see how much rides up the leg , the proper way of making pantaloon purchases. As i sat on this beech veneer bench my buttocks and thighs just slid off the bench space resulting in me falling foward in one glorious prayer movement and there on all fours i looked up at the full-length mirror all alone in a code locked cubical.
With my dignity recorded by some hidden-camera (always wear nice underwear when you are going into the change room) i left the changeroom and was hastily approached by a young sales (client manager they call them these days) all happy and waxed-squished hair like a donkey about to have it's hey-meal. I tossed the drawstring velvet pants into his arms and with the same hand signaled it wasn't to be.
Whilst crossing busy castelreigh st i saw a woman with the latest Guccissima leather tote bag and followed her round till i got bored and headed to Priceline for some trashy purchases.

Proper topics of conversation 49388

client "it was so hard breaking up with my ex, he was so good"

me "where was he good?"

client "oh, everywhere"

me "my ex was only good in the kitchen, he barely passed for the bedroom"

client "why is that?"

me "well, he was a wonderful cook, could turn eggs into a four course meal. unfortunately couldn't deliver desert . I was left unsatisfied"

client "oh my!, my ex couldn't cook but..well..how can i say... he was very good with desert"

Anyway, i've been watching Stevie Nicks live at red rocks, over and over.. made in 1987 (?) ...geez..1987.. i think it was the year i lost my virginity to a gorgeous senior in highschool. I remember his face...hockey player...sweet lips and red cheeks, on his face... well.. i hope it's the one... anyway he'll do.

I love stevie, i grew up with her rockin' it... getting all mystical and emotional.... and those shoes.....

I went out to lunch with Eric the frenchman, we talked about a framework for the internet, about merging both realities and governence, possible united nations proposals and what to wear if we become ambassadors .... we agreed not to clash when it comes to briefcases.

And then i went home.

oh by the way, what is Mariah doing?

Sunday was so much fun at Lyns 56th birthday party. The woman looks 30 and considering all the plastic surgery she had, it's worth it! Nevermind the continuous smile and inability to frown.
We drank and drank and admired the view, her apartment is right on Rushcuttersbay, right on the water or as they say "Elizabeth bay, loop!!!"
Manage to catch up with tiffany and paul, the karate champion from chile... so exotic! and ate gorgeous tibetan food made by tenzin, amys husband and yes we both got elegantly smashed on black laquered empire chairs. At the end of the night lyn was dancing round on the velvet heartshaped sofa to Dusty springfield and amy was moving my arms like a puppet on a string (sorry Lulu) .
Amy kept going on about ice cream so we all bundled into the car, yes all of us.. 6 or more and headed to chinatown to Y2K icecream/pancakes which had the most abrupt service ever! so funny!
"CAN I NOW HAVE THE MENUS BACK!" the waitress demanded..!! hahaha... ohh and Yuiee's 20-ish white boyfriend.. who looked rather.. odd.. in cream cable knit.. kept calling me 'brother', 'yo, brother' ' right on' and asked if i went back to japan often and i said 2 years ago.. he'd never been so i explained "they speak english there, you wont have a problem getting round" .
Everyone in the car knew i'm not japanese..

mmm seaseme ice cream is very, very nice.

I'm Joan Crawford so FUCK OFF!!

I took lunch at Forbed and burton after having my hair cut by Yuji who gives one of the best head massages, i nearly fell asleep with my head tilted on the wash-basin.

I saw some rather lovely crystals , big, but i felt not quite powerful enough. A gorgeous quartz crystal necklace, beautiful. But then i got crystals already and i don't care what people say, they do give off an energy .

I had my psychic connection on thursday which was interesting. Apparently my aura is purple with gold around my head. Instantly i thought Elizabeth taylor! but then realised she's still alive.
Anyway i enjoyed my lunch at the Queen Vic. building, smoked chicken sandwiches on skewers and handmade gyoza before work in the city on thursday. Yes i'm working in the city on thursdays, can you imagine the havoc i will create, marching up the marble staircase in my heels and terrorising the perfume-boys at Myer.
"so what are the notes of this fragrance? "
"would you like a sample of our...." **with a wave of the hand and walking right past**

At Forbes and burton I had a wonderful handmade penne-twist pasta with pancetta and viniger-celery with a gin and tonic double in tall glass please!

I think tara forgot to use the mesuring cup and counted instead.

I was basically legless when i got home and nearly stepped on the neighbours cat sleeping on our drive way.

The temptation was to do a post mortem on my life thus far but i have refrained
These 12months have been quite good to me, can't complain despite the losses i have come to acknowlege and own my blessings and this is all i need to know at the end of the day.

I met up with brian today the gay irish beauty therapist. I don't know about you but i have rarely associated myself with effiminate men, this was abit of a departure.
I was a minor under-whelmed but then, lets not be too demanding and just appreciate what is infront of you.
If egg-shell is an approachable white then he was 10 shades out of contrast.

Work was ok, C. got new trash mags so we sat round reading through those. I finished the bette davis biog. and now will start on mommie dearest, joan crawford then 'i am a cat' by soseki natsume

And my folio has been accepted by Private magazine

Birthday Boy

Thursday 18/5/06

I'm thinking about a detox.

Had Long lunch with Amy at Wall cafe.

We discussed about aging and skin-health over coffee and drinks, diamond-dust dermabrasion (it's good for any age), gem stone therapy where u align sapphires, diamonds, rubies and emeralds to the chakras of the body, with a hand and foot massage.

She lost her cartier wedding ring whilst doing a body scrub.

I was in mild shock and needed a smoke.

We stopped by darlo-bar for drinks.. i had a lemonade, no, really.

I'm going to see a psychic next week, if you have any interesting questions i should ask, please feel free.

I'm so pishd i hope i can survive the weekend.
A routine long-lunch was unfolding till i invite amarni boy along to which words of "i got no money, so a coffee will do" echoed about, i overcourse heard no such thing and proceeded to have a few drinks over a very long lunch which included desert.

Then we went all over darlinghurst and paddington looking at clothes whilst doing a few pit stops along the way. A strange pub/bar with red velour and ad-hock sleaziness, if only they removed 'free drinks during footy' signs it would have had some character. It was just another pub.
Then down to Lounge for another 3 gin and tonics, i don't know.. i think i had 10 in all, 4 to start at forbes burton... Amy joined us and we hammed it up with our legendary fables, i was severely smashed because we only had G and T's with bombay sapphire! arghsdjsldj... i called deb but she wouldn't make it up our end till uber-late so i had to go.. i said darlings we have to go, tomorrow is a work day...for all of us!

i'm still pishd although slowly coming to.... oh and i have two big dinners to get through sturday and sunday.

Sunday 14/5/06

Half way there, Yesterday was a shocker. I arrive at work all fine and dandy , work all day because we're all booked then go home have snack then dinner with mum but when i got there i had to run to the city clinic at 12:30.
So on the bus with a huge red environ-friendly " i love to shop at gladesville shopping village" bag filled with needles and surface spray.
Lord.
And ofcourse the bus decides to go the long way and stop at every fuckin stop.
I eventually get there whilst running through QVB, Central plaza shopping halls.
I must have looked the crazed-weirdo-in-the-grey-jumper. So i get there and the client is waiting this short haired woman with manbeared. Oh great, 3hrs 2 machines and i know what's going to happen.
Managed to get a 20minute lunch break, screeched over to sushi-take-away "tuna, cooked"
"tuna? we have fresh"
"no, i want the cooked tinned one"
"no we have fresh only"
i mean.. it was silly so i pointed to one with an omlette wrapped in it.
I don't mind the city clinic but it's so small and cramped.
Anyway eventually it was over and i raced home got changed and tumbled into forbes and burton for dinner.
After a large gin and tonic we settled down to some very good, no.. exceptional quality food. Wow
i had the roast duck walnut salad with apples followed by roast pork belly (crackling included darling) on a bed of buttered lentils and cabbage.
It was morish i couldn't fit desert but oh.. the food! flavours clear and well balanced, effecient service, cute boys though abit dark to make it clear.. but effeciant service.
The food! my God.. if i wasn't so satanic i'd be bulemic.
I love , love, love the food at forbes and burton. Cost me an arm and two legs but it's worth it.
No, i'm worth it , god damn it.

But part of me is still trying to find a cheap, good quality place to eat. Now that's a challenge.

Work, domestics and a little drink.

Today i have to go into the city for work at 6pm, can u believe it, how ridiculous.
So to fill in the time i'll go to dendy and watch a movie , then dinner somewhere in the city, why doesn't Versace do food?
then work till 8pm and struggle home at peak hour in the freezing winters night.
I will definetly have to do forbes and burton with a double Gin and tonic tomorrow.

Andrews in tokyo and he bought me some new clothes, i gave him a budget of a thousand and he only managed to get me two shirts!!

Thursday 11/5/06

I watched Hidden today before heading into the city for 2hrs of work. It was an interesting movie about hidden camera video, hidden lives, hidden past and hidden social mistreatment.
But i found it too subtle for it's message, the insinuation of algerian community vs white french, racial malade, bitterness and fear. However it was nice to get back into dendy films.
Settled down at yama perched ontop of QVB, i quite like that place becasue it so well lit and you get huge servings. It's cafe japanese, not authentic and frankly if you want authentic then eat it in Japan.

Work was, well.. you know.
I had one of my regulars who is now going to the city because it was more convenient for him, oh well, so it wa snice to catch up and the progress is wonderful. And for some strange reason i've become involved in some scandal happening at work even though it has nothing to do with me so hopefully i've extricate dmyself with that.
I have no time to get anymore involved in petty, immature back stabbing.

i'm going to have a long lunch tomorrow.

If i was a woman, would you come inside me?

The thought kept pushing through my consciousness all day as i puffed away at wall cafe. There was a posse of emo kids, from what i overheard, overtly excited at this "cool find" so i circumcised a macanudo and blew it up.
coughs, tears and an asthma puffer jumped out of the kiddies black vinyl messenger bags
"fuck!! gotta move"
"no, no! it's the coolest spot"
"fuck!!! i can't breathe"

ROFL.. so i turned away thinking it would negate the fruity plumes away but the wind changed and blew back , right into their faces.

"can you move, your cigerette smoke is bad"

I took a deep draw contemplating creating a scene (i had just read a chapter of bette davis biog) i even contemplated moving but then i couldn't be bothered, it is public space so i turned to this gaggling of emo kids and said out loud (wasn't suppose to be, but it suddenly went quiet)
"i'm sorry"
puting on my pixie face
"but no".
And started to puff twice as hard releasing twice as much smoke, they ran inside.

Afterwards the dear bald headed owner who seems to give me strange-smily glances giggled as i apologized and thanked them for being so nice and not making a fuss
"thank you (with a wave of the hand) for being so fabulous. this is the most brilliant cafe. we need more cafes like this in sydney"

I don't know what came over me, i think bette davis has possessed me.

I love my old teal corderoy pants, they go so well with flat shoes, i never knew until today. Infact i realise how fortunatel i am, how lifes little revolutions put me in enviable positions and i, have taken it for granted. To be able to acknowlege this is in itself another circle within a circle.
These corderoy pants i bought 5 years ago and put away for they were too 'dowdy' but now seem perfect. It was meant to be, like most things in life, it was all meant to be.

i want to adopt a black baby and call him Adolf. and a chinese girl and call her Eva take them to Wall cafe and eat smoke salmon salad in my Hussien chalayan pants.

I'm dying my hair at the moment to a subtle brownish tinge.
It's been a hectic few days at work, i had one woman last night who looked as if she was about to give birth to her ovaries, rolling about, squirming in tears and letting out a squeal now and again. I just ignored her and continued my work till her hour was up.
I mean really.

And then there's the armani boy who is quite young (24), cute but too flakey . Even if it's going to be a bedder, they have to have some sort of integrity. But then young people are young.. so i just had to say "that's nice babe, i'll give u a call when i'm free" . Anyway i think i've had enough slutting around, there have been many more that i haven't blogged because they were more , routine, run of the mill.
After a while most cocks taste the same.
I've decided to be celibate for a while, having said that it may not be too long but i'll try and establish some sort of connection before hand, it had gotten to the point where words were dispensed before the pants.
It got abit empty.
Anyway, this week i do want to get into the bette davis biography, book table for mothers day (most probably Forbes and burton) and work out abit more.. more cardio.. but then the more i work out the more...aroused i become.
You can never win.


Thursday 4/may/o6

I think i'm bored again.
Had lunch at Forbes&burton, drank myself silly on gin and tonics with an interesting pasta dish. Anchovies and basil swirled into homemade pasta with a fistful of lemon juice, quite startling except for the bits of toasty crust sprinkled ontop. I guess they were trying to give the dish more texture but it wasn't necessary.
They have an interesting mix of customers, eastern suburbs matrons with a sprinkling of suit and tie set not low-key-cool as wall-cafe, not voltage-glam as the potts point crowd (pretentious is the word). It's a strange mix hovering over a question mark.
But atleast they serve good alcohol, i nearly died drinking a sauvaigon blanc at La bouvettes (whatever the shit is called) potts point with the amarni boy. It felt like it had been relieved out of a bladder.
I must remind myself to not date boys younger than me, the emptiness that comes out their new-thought patterns. Another boy i wanted to strangle.
Andrew pointed out when i was having lunch with him and joshua that i "looked like you wanted to murder him".
Young boys look nice but lack social skills and a level of intelligence which not to their fault can only come from time.

a.boy - " i love this new music, kind of machine sounds with rock sound"

me- "hmm industrial music, alternative goth"

a.boy- " and i love culture club and that whole 80's scene, would have been great to have lived through that, how was it?"

me- "yeah, it was great. thanks.


I might head to wall tomorrow and sit round and read and smoke and piss people off.

oh if i remember buy sake from this mysterious liquor store in chinatown amy was trying in vain to describe to me.

Met up with eric, the frenchman who's trying to draft up some constitution of internet ethics , darling.
We talked about art and concepts which we may collaborate on whilst graizing at forbes and burton. They've re-stocked on gin and er..we halved the stocks?

I didn't realise how powerful cigars have become a symbol of resistance.

I didn't realise breakfast juice is high in fibre which explains the results of my recent obsession for it.

Bought a delightful jersey day-jacket at white picket fence .

There is nothing quite like shopping and a gorgeous lunch.

The place is crawling with fashion week residue, australian fashion week, contradiction in terms.
I really cannot stand the recent t-shirt deconstructive dressing, it looks so meaningless. Cutting the collars out of K-mart shirts doesn't constitute fashion. Lack of creativity , most importantly creative support, has resulted in australian fashion being nothing but the toilet brush to european collections.

Can someone tell Morrisey, Tom ford has left Gucci years ago and is now desiging perfumes.

I don't know where to start when i was staring at the end.
Yesterday was andrews last supper as he has flown out to tokyo now and then london for several years. All our closest friends were there at JuJu's whooping it up as Joan crawford once said.
We drank sake like it was coming out the tap...hot and cold... i drank so much sake this morning my eyeballs were dehydrated.
It was sweet though.. all through this week it was sad goodbyes for him so to have a happy farewell was good.
We left soon after a bunch of drunk middle-aged americans started to sing karaoke, back to his place as a departure point/meeting point for it has been routine for years, we said our goodbyes to friends knowing it will never be the same again.
I hung round abit, he was going to austins to sleep before the airport tomorrow.. it was kind of awkward for us to say goodbye. We never really were emotive in our friendship.. we were just very good friends and i loved him as one because he wasn't afraid to be honest with every facet of his personality, no kid gloves just him and that i'm very grateful for.
When the car arrived we shook hands and laughed "cheers, it's been great, thanks alot" lol we quote so many people... as this was happening Deb messages me and i call her and had a brief but drunken converation.
As we were going down the terrace steps for a brief moment we recognised the emotional value that kept us close a realibilty and honesty that is so rare.
I ran out into the winters night and he into the safety of the yellow bathroom.

My mother is drunk and i''ve got the camera ready.

It's War veterans day and a wonderful way to celebrate is to have a toast or two in honor of our fallen comrades.

You can tell where i got my alcohlism from, it's my mothers fault, everythings goes back to mother.
So we open a bottle of vintage brandy, it looks inncoent enough in it's pretty purple packaging , brandy glasses anyone?

So after a few bottles mum and i decide to play dress up and we explored the new wave of dressing, pastels, horizontal lines.. street but colour! colour! clash it and burn... is a jade bracelet bling?

It's a fucking cold day and my fingers are frozen and my penis is lifeless i hate myself like cat powers but hey, i got to make my mother over.

i just woke up and it's 4pm. what goes up must come down as they say and i'm climbing out of a major downer.

Couldn't make it out to Latteria nor Lounge, just two steps away from my bed and two steps back. Thank god for vodka or i'd be a blabbering mess. I'm not an alcoholic, i'm not and alcoholic. i'm not an alcoholic, sometimes.

I got some great books from andrew.. Pierre Gilles books and joan crawford and bette davis biogs. plus janes mansfield who got scalped whilst going under a council truck.

I got my eye on this camera , i don't know if Leica will ever produce one of their own but considering it would be identical to this with a massive mark-up i think panansonic is the way to go.

If i drink one more glass of champagne i'll be pissing Krug darlings.

I think we put a slight dent in sydneys liquor stores when we did cases of champagne and wines and things... i emptied out my spending account hahahaha.. till the machine kept yelling out "TRANSACTION DECLINED" as i got tangled up in Amy's hair whilst waiting at the check-out.
"what? what? shit amy you need to brush your korean hair"

Surprised they didin't refuse to sell us anymore instead kept swiping our cards.
For a moment i felt embarrassed when 6 people behind us started to sing 'we are waiting...we are waiting'
And then i realised i had some cash.

So Andrews farewell kciked off slow... just 3 .. then round 9pm it got busy with people dropping by with fabulous vegetarian spring roll things wrapped in baby-soft rice noodles and gyoza dumplings encassing roast pumpkin. It was quite devine.
We drank like there was no tomorrow, Amy and i demostrated some yoga moves "amy, amy!! do corpse"
"what is thaaaat?" "handstand with one hand" "chant something...prada! versace! amarni!"
"no, no, say stella!"
"stella? who is stella?"

hahaha...

Today i had an 8am start to work and my life for a brief moment circumvent an apostrphy.

Easter is over and i'm desperate for a drink.
Infact i've contemplating a hip flask for winter so i can pour vodka into everything i drink.
With my lighter, cigarillo case, cutter and sunglasses i'm a walking accessory victim.
Whatever happened to 'down-sizing' my life?
I tried to go back onto the 'bargin-bandwagon' but left disappointed at DFO, that cattle-hall of a shopping complex. Everything was extra-large or extra-extra-extra-large. Am i feeling a little bit discrimminated against?
So i will endevour to find that cashmere wool jumper for winter tomorrow with utmost care not to go itallian-made but fustration could lead me straight to Gianni or Muicci.
Infact i remember some fabulous knitwear at david jones...mui mui or jil sandler....hmm.
Friday is farewell drinks for Andrew, but i have to work on saturday so... fuck! i can't get pissed big time. But i'll make sure the Verve,Boli,Moet flows freely.
So, tomorrow serious shopping, friday party (start 1pm till whenever), saturday work.
Oh and that rabbit turned out fucked! however i ate it anyway, was too tough but then it's never stopped me before.
My life is just one big poo that is about to creep out of the love tunnel.

Day after update.

I struggled through David Jones, all those racks of clothes but nothing in my size!! i was very stressed until i found some miu miu knitwear and to my delight a small size grey wool jumper. It was on sale so i got a massive discount, i just cannot go buying next season, it's this new money-consciousness. So i swallowed my pride and paid for a sale item.
It's miu miu though.
The crowds in the city were just too much , i wasn't in my 'dangerous' mode, just stressed out from shopping so i hopped into a cab and headed to forbes and burton to do lunch.
Gorgeous tiger prawn beansprout salad, crisp, fresh, subtle in flavour but still had 'wow' factor.
After downing several gin and tonics i hit white picket fence, nearly bough a vivian westwood jumper but ddin't i see that last time i was there???? victor and rolph very cute bomber jacket but too big.
After wandering round for a bit i managed to get into x and found a gun-metal Dior Homme wool knit jumper!!!! OMFG!!
I nearly juiced my anal track.
It fit!! so you know.. in a moment such as these one's senses are over-ridden with fashionism, so i dropped my budget out the window.

I didi pretty well today i think.

I am horribly drunk after two glasses of red, wine aint my thing. I don't normally drink wine but today i marinated the rabbit in it with bay leaves so hey, why leave the bottle half empty (or half full).
When i unwrapped the bugger from it's clingfilm coffin it looked kind of strange, then i had a peak inside and found a liver and what looks like lungs and some weird egg-shaped things so i pulled them out.
It felt so sexy pulling internal organs out of an animal.
What does that say about me?
So then i had to chop it into pieces so it can fit in the bowl and then i realised i've never cut an animal up before, how do you do it with bones in the way?
so i just chopped it with a cleaver and everything was ok.

Yesterday i helped gorgeous nori move firniture things to his apt. out west, 2hr drive on a freeway!!!
It was fun. then we did latteria back in civilization and was glamorous and fantastique with bits of the pink shagpile rug in my hair and face... weeeeee.
Nori is a wonderful boy with a not so wonderful boyfriend (looks like a piece of KFC and has the personality to match) but then i do admire him for what he is, a vet, and support him in everyway i can.
He's like the little brother i never had. awwwwwwww.
Then i got a message from the boy-with-the-beautiful-bottom saying why i haven't called him and he was sorry for falling asleep cos he was tired from clubbing and drinking the night before sounding all anxious and shit.

Me- "But, babe, you told me you never drink and never club, infact you told me you're not on the scene"
silence....
Me- "Let me tell you what, how about you go and play with your friends for a while and when i'm ready i'll let you know"

And i hung up.

I can be slightly abrupt especially to liars, however he did have a nice bottom.

Today was fun i cleaned my parents gravesite and burnt incense and spoke to relatives i have to have.

Easter fuck.

As you know my dear readers i'm not a person who kiss and tell however it's been a long time since i had a decent roll in the hay. All the previous have been...er..dud fucks or weirdos with folded tissues in their pants and one way back who had a glass-eye
"babe, i got to take my eye out so i can sleep"
"er, ok"
"do you have a glass of water for me to.."
"oh.. er.. my mother bought me these, it's czch crystal"

Geezus, that was awkward, he with a glass eye in his hand and me with a bohemia crystal tumbler in one hand.

Anyway, this bottom today well.
He promised a days worth of beach, sun, cruising round and sleep over. It ended up being some towels on his concrete balcony, he suddenly had a party to go to round 4pm. WTF????
I don't know but his face is one that could have been quite attractive when in highschool but you know, being thin isn't the only thing that makes you presentable.
I can't say he was good looking, his body was alright, not an adonis more like.. a failed olympic swimmer who fucked up his diet routine.
Thin but mis-aligned.
However like most Italians he had a thick cock and an uncontrollable urge to ejaculate at a few strokes.
His bottom was, well, beautiful.
It wasn't hairy, it had shape but hasn't fallen down,
I had a lot of fun south of the lighthouse but i think i might have gone too far when i felt his last meal.

His technique was..run of the mill...tried to be aggressive as i was.. i think he bit off my nipple.

After 4 hours he was spent and ..umm... fell asleep.
No, like..snoring type of sleep.
Now do i take that as a compliment or an insult?
With my experience with Italian men i have noticed they tend to fall asleep after sex and get quite sweaty.
Anyway 2 hrs later i got bored and aroused his member and blew him till he squirted like a can of shaken cola, darling.
This technique is best demonstrated by aggressively stimulating the penis whilst gripping the base of it, preventing ejaculation till he can't take it anymore, note colour of penis then u let it go and voila... he's a gusher.
He was quite exhausted, devastated, crumpled from my sexual prowess...MUAH HAHAHAHA.
er, not quite.

Tomorrow i'm helping gorgeous nori move furniture and visit his flat out west.

And so it is, easter is upon us with more chocolate for obese-people and their children. This year i'm avoiding the chocolate splurge because i keep seeing more fat people.....young and old. It's quite disturbing. I saw a fat school kid get caught in a sliding door, the doors just kept rebounding off him and his bug-eyes kept popping!!
no, i made that up.
I've finally found some old yoko ono cds in newtown.
It contains classics such as "greenfield morning i pushed an empty baby carriage all over the city", "touch me" and "paper shoes" inwhich she wails and buzzes like a cat on crack snorting a line of coke with a mosiquito.
Avante-guard?
She took traditional japanese kabuki-esque tones and folk music to a post-modern level. It still has resonance today regarding the free-form sounds of 'bjork' and 'indie-bands/indivduals' even though the eighties have been plundered beyond belief.
However, 2hrs of Madame Ono screeching is abit much.

dad- "what is this sound? could be the exhaust"

mum- no, exhaust pipe is new, brakes?

me- " um.... it's the cd"

dad-" ay-ya!!! it's broken!!"

i just stared out of the window.

Finally bought that books from kino. well i changed my mind actually and got 'BERLIN' 500 pages of 'after-the-war' and 'the purple journal', it makes granta whatever the UTS/University press look juvenile. Great articles, nice paper.
I was going to read all this over the easter long weekend, cook rabbit, read book, eat rabbit.
But like most things in my turd of a life, i get invited by M to go over to his place to "chill".
Should i take 500 pages of world war 2 and european angsty/social/political press to sunbake in tiny swimwear??
Or have sex for 48hrs?
It has been a while since i had a decent bottom to juice up.

Also i've been invited to some weird house warming by a couple i don't know and i have some art-essayist stalking me with 20page critique-emails of my photographs.

Haircut tomorrow and work!

i'm cooking a rabbit for easter.

I have just been told the outside chairs (milkcrates) have been removed from Wall cafe because some shit-head complained. This means there wont be anymore outdoor-coolness , nomore sunlit gorgeousness, nomore smoking!

I'm quite distressed.

And then i find a baby cockroach has drowned in my vodka and cranberry, i can't even kill it out of anger.

Atleast today i managed to do coffee and foccacia along victoria st. and meandered round halls of kinokuniya. I wanted to buy this amazing book "the occult of nazism" but it was $60 and well... i'm trying to be sensible with money.
I think i'll wait abit, forgot about the aqueous cream for winter.... it's the logical choice opposed to some gorgeous royal jelly honey creme from a french inspired boutique.
On friday there was a man asking people if they wanted their books signed, he asked me as i was walking out, i just turned to him and hissed "i don't think so".
It is then i noticed a television camera was recording the whole thing.

I've also been working out.. doing cardio which burns fat, something we can never have too much removed.
I'm seeing the results already however i must control my food intake, i managed a delightful advocado salad for sunday lunch (and lemon cream cake) but now i'm feeling a bit weak so had to do the microwave cheese macaroni. It's evil but a baby roach drowned in my cranberry and vodka so i need something to help me get over that.

My life is boring, i thought about joining a book club just to break it up.

I use to dance in heels but now i'm walking on flats.

No it's not a country western song but the new reality.

Today a female acquaintence squeezed my back and exclaimed "shit! you have more back-fat than me" .
She wasn't exactly thin.
So this afternoon started my cardio-exercise routine, an hour on the cross-trainer every other day, the other being gentle-weights to tone only.
I don't know what happened to that 28inch waistline, absurd but oh so enviable.
Anyway, i don't exactly want to be 28inches but happy with my 30-32 inch waistline but just more toned/healthier.

Can i be "healthy" and seething??? i don't want to become.. 'perky'.

i'd rather be obese.

After the cardio-work out i felt like death. I nearly fainted, i think i did if it wasn't for the Gin-vian.

Mind you i had 3 coffees for lunch.

I figured if you increase your heart rate it would burn more fat? no?

Drop an 'e' and go for 6 hrs on the cross trainer? hahahaha... funny.

Anyway i felt pretty dejected after the 'fat-grabbing' incident then a possible quickie had to go to the dentist, broke a tooth whilst eating a peanut (WTF???)

"babe, you're not much use after having your mouth butchered by the dentist".

note to self - please be less direct.

Ergh... i hate fat!

And abit of extra, here's a vid of Peter, Jan and mel at Pablos vice.


Play petr


May take a minute to load.

downtown-non-luxe

Ohhh blogger-widget. Forgot this was here.
So.. lets see... having survived 4 hrs in Ralph Lauren with my mother and 'modern-japanese' ontop of the Queen Victoria building i decided to not buy any winter clothes this year and try to work what i already own.
After auditing my wardrobe i realised i have clothes i've never worn or were too big at the time and...er hem...fit me now.
So this winter will be "downtown-non-luxe" utilising what one has... the army "che" look is back in so all i have to do is.. er wear jackets i wore 3 years ago. It's the same damn thing at the shops.
Or if one must, i will only do Second-hand (vintage is abit of a wank and op-shop is just too far down) such as CC's flashback and then rework the outfit. Recently i've finally got round to stitching fabric to my 'painted and torn jeans" and will endvour to stay at home and finish that damn army blazer.
This is the new me, a more subtle and non-plus, an innocence amongst thieves.

i will however make some converse/Vans purchases.

Oh, and i might aswell share this with you, i have BACK-FAT and it's distressing and traumatic.

No more ...er... cakes...alcohol.....french pastries....

It's been quite hectic lately with work picking up and schedualed lunches. My world has inverted itself like a succulent mango in summertime.
Watched Aeon flux, that action/sci-fi movie with message of 'don't clone or you might gets something spooky back with you" but all this enfant-aqua amongst jittery pixelism. I enjoyed watching Charlieze theron crack several masculine necks with her svelte thighs, backflipped and ran through exploding walls with perfect moving hair. It was all about the hair.
Work has been, and who is one to argue having been doing being. Client H. who's going to brazil in a few weeks time explained to me what a 'bunda' is

h- yer.. so in brazil ..the women.. they're built differently

me- hmm... they have two heads?

h- nah mate.. they got bunda

me- yer, that's great... how are u going with the pain?

h- it's alright mate, dunno what this foot tapping shit's about..can't stop...

me- it's just your body trying to divert pain messages, perfectly normal.

.......

me- bunda?

h- yer...

me-bunda?

h-yer..

me- bunda?

h- yer..mate...

me- bunda? is that like gucci but from south america?

h- what? gooffey? he's american aint he?

me- bunda.

h- oh yer.. nice... big round bundas..

me- breasts?

h- nah mate, arse. beautiful arse.

me- oh.

silence.

h- yer.......

me - well you know nothing like some poop shoot action.
Ok, times up.

I bought a fabulous pair of black jeans, not too fitting, just slim-enough cut to suggest rocker but not so thin it screams chicken-legs.

And i adore WWD SCOOP , it's the 'retail' branch of Womens Wear Daily with its pictures of sofia coppola and marc jacobs boogie-woogie-ing, fat and old and sweating. Gorgeous Kate moss as a hologram at Alexander mcqueens latest collection. Also i'm obsessing 'CRASH' magazine, fashion in a portable but dignified format with fantastic interviews with heidi silmane and veronique barinquo in french!!!
Can't read the shit but who cares when it's the size of a local phone directory but in high gloss poster-paper.
Had lunch at burton and forbes, fresh sea scallops on a bed of gently braised cabbage with wild mustard seeds. So, delicate and sweet, one could have my tastebuds arrested for lewd conduct.

GOATS CHEESE is my new food and i'm getting intouch with my spiritual side, i'm wearing amathyst and aligning myself with the mystic jews, more hasidic orthodox than hollywood kaballa.

It's all about the hat, the hair and the gorgeous coat.

In the myth, Psyche is a beautiful princess of whom the goddess Venus is jealous. In her rage she orders her son cupid to make Psyche fall in love with a monster, but Cupid falls in love with her himself.
After several trials Cupid and Psyche make their plea to the gods who turn Psyche into an immortal and allow them to be married in heaven.

Flotis detox.

Exercise - Clean room plus vaccum.

Food - Custard tarts and Lady grey tea.

Meditation - Lounging in relaxed clothing with Men's non+no and British Vogue.

Indulge - Chocolate peanut clusters.

Rehydrate - Several glasses of chilled Evian whilst listening to Edith piaf.

Bath - WildOat milk bath.

I don't want what i haven't got except for another glass of vodka.


I finally found where fergus lives, it's this street with a train line through the middle of it. If only someone told me it was right next to woolomolloo wharf then it would have been so much easier.
So we got there when the party was in full swing glasses of champagne came fast and when that ran out.. triple vodka cranberry things and martinis and cosmopolitans and things... it was fabulous.
We talked, we threw our heads back in laughter and introduced ourselves to each other.
Amy came over later and thats when the vodka shots started. No one told me to use shot glasses so i just used the normal drinking glasses.
You know what's weird, i don't get drunk with vodka, i mean i do feel abit of an effect but i wasn't plastered or running to the bathroom every 5 minutes unlike one dear uni-girly who was in the bathroom from 3pm till 10pm.. poor thing. Bet she lost a few kilos.
It was a lovely night filled with interesting people, one guy kept touching my arms saying how smooth they were, abit creepy.
but then, touch all you want darlings just pour me another vodka.

Have a look at MIU MIU new campaign, musings of MiuMiu prada and lots of strange photos of Kim bassinger.

And PRADA for their short film by Ridley scott whos daughter (????) is the muse and model.

It's becoming more than the thinking persons couture.

This scottish guy thing seems to have opened up a box of emotions which i never thought i would find myself experiencing.
He did say he wasn't after anything serious...friendship/fun casual-lifestyle appropriate relationship.
So i thought, well why not, everyone else is doing it and maybe the clinical dispensing of relationship catagories have been the reason why i've been single for 2 fucken years.
Single as in having relationship for more than three months. By that time you ought to have sussed each others embarrassing habits and organised some sort of schedual together in a gorgeous louis vuitton goat skin diary.
So i thought i could be ruthless, plutonic, non-emotive in my friendship and physical interaction but for some weird reason i can't treat another human being as an object for sex and 'friendship'.
They have to be exclusive.
Although i had a giggle at my 'sexual encounter' with the scotsman i actually felt very empty inside because i didn't feel anything for him when we had sex or even when we kissed. It seemed like we were in some movie sequence where both actors are nervous and put on their acting faces, part themselves part another.
I realised i can't do 'casual-relationships' where you actually talk to them and share laughs and care about them then have sex with them without having any emotive attachment or scruples.
It's not a question of what is wrong or right but what the individual values and respecting that fact.
I'm better off single and not puting out any emotions.

I know it hasn't been that long since the last post but i'm feeling abit charitable.

The week has been abit of a blur with that date on wednesday with a scottish guy who i met again on saturday night after work for dinner and drinks.
One thing that did annoy me was the fact he wore flip-flops after 4pm which he had to change for later because you cannot go into a bar with open toe shoes (so they say). I forgave his faux-pas purely on the fact he is scottish.
So dinner was nice, thai, then drinks at newtown hotel. The place was busy with an ecclectic mix of patrons. One would like to express bohemian and hippie chic but honestly it was... over 40s drug-dried couples and fattys and arty-angsty-gay types.
The ripped vinyl sofa is not vintage.
So we slid down onto the back area next to this art student boy who was sketching squiggly shit with a biro and his folio bag strewn on the floor.
Now as you know, i'm one for art and it's postering, infact i once called myself an artist and still do so at certain occasions however you do not take your folio to a pub on a saturday night sit in a corner and squiggle highschool-pentip drawings!!!!

Get out of my way!!!!

We bitched and giggled, the drag act on stage....

date- he's only miming

me- it's a drag act, they mime.

date- that's so boring, in glasgow they sing

me- well welcome to oz, that toto don't sing!!

My mobile phone kept slipping out and i knocked a fat girls glass of wine, hey!! she was in my way .
Can't stand fat girls who wear rice-paper thin tops hanging round gay pubs complaining they can't find a decent man in sydney.

They ought to be persecuted by an army of Karl largerfelds !!!!

Anyway, so the evening was down the hatch a couple of beers , poor boy had to work 6am in the morning and tim and andrew were beeping me to go over at 11:30 for yet more drinks. i was pissed at 11pm and had to make a swift move back to his place if i was to get any action.
Hell i didn't spend all of my saturday evening without even a shag God damn it.

So... with jazz music on .. and getting close on the squishy sofa we got into it.
In the midst of kissing, biting, scratching and being 'oh so savage' i got to the part where i take off his underpants.
Clean white calvins....nice... rather large folded bulge... keep it coming... and then when i slid his underpants off there was
a piece of folded tissue stuck to his left testical.

Hm.

I'm trying not to laugh or look or make a big deal of it.. so i take my underpants off and climb ontop of him and with one flick of the wrist (one of many that night) the tissue came off so proceeded the act of coitus etc.
He was big in a wide way and seemed quite adept at using his mouth and tongue in the right places. All in all it went well except he couldn't hold it for too long, as you know i prefer to have sex for atleast 2hrs, he just couldn't wait and expelled his semen.
It ended right on 11:30 !!! i was just warming up.
He cuddled me and was all.. i don't know.. u know.. he had this weird look in his eyes.. like his eyes were glazed with blackberry sauce..i don't know. He put on this weird happy/love song stuff on .
I couldn't help wonder why he had a tissue in his underpants.
Maybe i'm just shallow and lack any sensitive emotional stuff or that i'm just a first rate bitch.

The latter in Prada shades
.
So went over to andrews, met up with an assortment of strange people drank some more and somehow did latteria today but with big sunglasses and saying very little.

Pointilise update.

- Spent way too much money on a pair of sunglasses.

- Had delicious pesto omlette tomato rocket sandwich.

- Drank 4 beers without smoking or collapsing.

- Controlled my alcohol intake.

- Turned down booty-call from something quite delicious in the middle of fresh mint tea.

- Got hard whilst kissing a scottish guy but remained a gentleman and not proceed with lingering fellatio or rapid coitus.

- Trying to come up with an outfit to wear to daddys hospital admission day and what to wear visiting and when he leaves.

- Will buy something japanese at 'Tokyo city'

- Seriously considering buying a decent book (more than say 100 pages) and making time to read it.

- Seriously considering cooking food and making time to find a cookbook.

- Seriously considering being serious.

- Remember to moisterise feet because you never know.

My daddy has to go to hospital next week to have his prostate reduced, or something like that. So today we went out to this tiny hospital in strathfield.

me- can't you do the operation closer to where we live?
doctor- "umm..no..i work at that hospital
me- you know i've never been that far west
doctor- i'm sure you will be fine, you can catch a taxi there..
dad - can my son visit me?
doctor - yes
me - all the way out in strathfield???

and the room fell silent.

Anyway, we decided to go a week early to fill in the paper work etc so when he does go in, it'll be easier.
So after running up and down several train platforms (what a stupid , stupid idea to do the train system, i don't know what got over me)

"does this train go to strathfield? it says on the map thing.. why doesn't it go there, where the hell does it go? oh it goes past strathfield!!!"

sometimes i just wonder.

We got there, the nurse clicks on the computer.." your records have been transfered over, just give us a call the day before to confirm admission time"

Mum- "we've ordered a private room, we don't do sharing"

It's amazing what that woman gets away with i swear!

All the way out there and it took only 5minutes for it to be over.

On the way out dad asks the valet if he can park his car for 3 days inside the carpark.
He says sure and i'm going..but dad you will still be tired from the anesthetic
dad- it means i will drive slower.

On the way back a little chinese girl was climbing down the stairs in the train with her mother, she must have missed a step and fell on the landing (3 steps) and made this muffled thud sound, the kid gets up looks confused and i burst out laughing.
i couldn't stop giggling all the way home.

i dunno.. sometimes.. i really dunno.

i left work early today out of abject boredom plus an unsettling head ache from inhaling bleach whilst mopping the floors.

Yes, unglamourous side to my work is..mopping floors and vacuuming dead cockroachs off the carpet.
I had no clients today so it was chores which no one ever does except me because i can't stand mess and untidiness.

So i did all that but still had hours to spare, even purchased 'HELLO' magazine and spent some time flipping through the celebrity photos. Called some clients who never booked but had initial consultation, all of them said no, obviously but we just go through the motions .....

I was so bored , irritated and bored again.

So with a rabbit casarole from next door (elizabeth made it just for moi!) and a copy of 'HELLO' magazine i head home an hour early. I've done all i can and frankly i don't give a rats arse.

Saturday looks busy however so i guess that compensates.

by the way, i can't believe i tossed $130. into the wind today.

phone card $30, vitamin e oil and blotting tissues $15.90, cigarillos $45, HELLO! magazine $6.95, three books at kinokuniya$12 (they were small books), gorgeous tuna cakes and ceasar salad, peppermint tea $23 ..and i wasn't actually buying anything special.

This is ridiculous and must stop.

Haircut day... yay... yuji made pieces out of my hair..long bits bit thinned out so i look kinda more slick.
He's working at a salon stone throws from Versace ! woo hoo...
Went up to QVB for Udon lunch and then lured into this place, THANN by it's impressive decore. Lots of earthy brown and greens, rural thai village with a modern bent. Carmellena served me with her austrian accent "iz never uzed zis product before, but zat doezn't mean you can't"
what a brilliant line!!
i actually need a moisterisier but end up with an orange and nutmeg body scrub.

Searched for new sunglasses, thought i could do 'cheap' but ended up very disappointed. Looks like i'll have to do designer brand .

i came home early, should have stayed out but it's humid and had shredded hair all over my face... i just wanted to get home but now that i'm here..exceptionally bored.

Went to sleep.

Cleaned Gucci mini-messenger bag.
Going to do wall tomorrow, the Gucci bag will be my new le smoking bag.
Trying to snap out of this inconspicous-lux concept.

Made random phone calls.

Listening to alot of Courtney Love.... i don't know what's going on... but according to Marc jacobs...grunge is back.

I think something big is going to happen soon, that's why i'm so restless... i just hope i will have some decent underwear on when it does. Which reminds me... i have to buy some new underwear because the size 10-14yrs don't fit me anymore.
Felt really sad that my waist line is no longer pubecent but post teen.

Time can be cruel.

I'm so bored.
I now understand the utter fustration Pete must have felt sitting round doing nothing at work .

I was so bored today i polished the steel door knobs in every cubical.

I was so bored at home i installed a wireless A.V thing so i can watch television in my room without having to connect a cable only to realise there is absolutely nothing interesting on television.

I was so bored i was loitering round Knots pine furniture

"can i help you?"
"er... hi.. no.. i'm just looking ...at these...er.. wooden .. things"

**both with blank stares**

I point to something.

"it's a bedside table"

"that's great, so you can eat at the side of your bed"

**salesman walks away*

Told a woman she had hair coming out of her nostrils but we can't do electrolysis on her anyway.

"i just thought you ought to know, out of concern" i said.

We had to take dad to the urologist today, his waterworks has been playing up so needed the 'specialist' to examine his prostate.
As he was walking up to meet us in the main street he phoned to tell me...he was about to be on the main street.

"dad, i said wait at the cafe opposite"
"your phone working now?"
"yes but i still want to get a new one. Anyway what did the doctor say?"
"he put finger up my bum"
"yes, i know dad"
"no, all the way in...like how you do it"
"what, dad, i ...er... no. The doctor was examining your prostate for medical reasons"
"it felt funny"

At this moment i was squirming as i hastily flipped through quasi-japanese clothing at yoshi jones with my mother who was quite taken by the lamps.

"these look nice, do you need a lamp?"
"no, mum... i don't"
"then forget it."

There was this peculiar aroma wafting through the shop like burnt vanilla bean and wet fresias ontop of black toffee and smoky-bacon.
My mother is wincing as the smell got stronger ,
"but mum this is the new incense, it creates a mood, takes you away to foreign market places.... lunchtime along the Nile, cinnamon tea in marakesh..."
she wasn't amused.
As we approach the doorway she says in an exact non-excitable voice to the salewoman
"you DO realize your candle isn't suppose to burn like that"
The woman turns round and gasps
"i think it's on fire!"
runs over and pears over...
"omg the wicks all burnt out, its on fire!"
Grabs hold of the glass tumbler containing the burning candle
"fuck!! it's hot"
Another saleswoman runs out with a fire extinguisher and blasts the candle spraying the window display area with foam.

Then it went silent so we left.

I met up with Amy this sunday, it was suppose to be a light brunch and cafe society but ended up at Burton on Forbes with a bottle of white and some sliced vegetable sky scraper. We had alot of catching up to do, new news, old news and news that could become more than just news.
Amy was dressed in yoga gear with her 2meter wide rolled up yoga mat which she slung gingerly over her shoulders. I was in a peculiar blue plaid shirt and sloppy jeans with jet-black crystal cross hinting at brokeback/depeche mode, well i hope so. We drank and drank.... Brendan came over and had a chat with us, he owns Burton on Forbes so we had a hoot and a squealer recounting the days we would go into class after drinks at the pub opposite waxing some poor girls brazillian.
"i got hot wax all over her orifice...nearly gave her an instant clitorectomy!!" **hoots and hollars as we slosh about on our polished pine chairs**
Looking back, i think we disgraced ourselves.
As Amy was coming out of the bathroom with her yoga gear she got stuck between the doorway and yelled out for me so i stride over to help her giggling away at her peculiar position. I grabbed the yoga mat and strung it over me and escorted her back holding her hand. Half way along the row of chairs Andrew comes in so i turn round to say hello.
This friendly exchange resulted in me swinging the yoga mat round smacking the back of a mans head to which i apologised and spun round the counter direction which resulted in the yoga mat hitting a coiffured lady-who-lunches , Amy panics and runs off but "tipsy" in her jimmy chos slipping over a step away from her chair and me trying to steady myself as i went along the line smacking the backs of peoples heads and apologising.
We broke down in glamourous hysterics
"omg u hit all those people!!! we are so sorry"
"omg your jimmy chos!! are they ok?"
Amy had spilt the contents of her bag all over the resteraunt floor, bottle of evian, dolce gabbana sunglasses et case which was huge! make up, purse "where's my louis vuitton?" , mobile phone etc... the wait-staff were lovely and helped gather all her strewn belongings.
Andrew and john joined us looking abit embarressed but managed to steady our frivolity thus we settled down.
There were quite alot of "gay-lebrities" there... we sat in the middle so our antics could not be missed, oh how i wished pete could have been there, he would sit there with his sunglasses and big hair watching ....
But this was not to be so we left 2 hrs later and over to Latteria, we sat round, posed, and waited for Fergus to turn up.
Fergus is the one to know if you want to get into the parties.

After some chit chat we nearly made it into Morgans
"sorry we close at 3pm"
"it's 10minutes to.. we just want a drink"
and the boy shut the door on us!!
Fergus - "i use to work here, fuck i owned this place "
the boy opposite the glass door mouthed " y o u-d o n 't-a n y m o r e"
LOL!!
classic.
So this haggard bunch plopped itself at bourbon, yes i know.. it's trashy - you get this beeper thing that looks like a cattle prod, when your steak is ready it buzzes.
What the fuck?????
Anyway we polished off a few more bottles.

Now at this juncture i must remind myself i actually had a family dinner on that night. It just conveniently slipped my mind so after puting amy in a taxi with her yoga mat (she was suppose to go to yoga at 5pm but , er... she was smashed at 5pm) and i slipped home only to feel the full effects of what a few bottles of white can do.

I spent the night throwing up, 5 times, i threw up 5 bloody times.
The last part was the worst with this watery bitter fluid coming out, it was the most disgusting thing i've thrown up. And why is it when you're smashed u want to poop?
it really is not a convenient time to want to have a motion when your head is halfway down a toilet ejecting parts of your doudenum.
Lulled about like a sheeps bladder on a stick all night only till 6am this morning did it all pass.
Fergus has invited us to drinks on his yacht and his apartment
"hey, plenty of free drinks, just dress sexy, both of you"
i doubt that will become an enticing thing for me anymore but i wouldn't mind doing sexy.

Met up with S. today, i've heard she was going through another 'i'm quitting' moment so i thought i ought to catch up with her.

I forgot which floor she worked on, ended up climbing up and down sandstone firestairs through several levels till i finally found it. She had lost weight, so has L. who has been "sick".
L. and i never got along, he first struck me as lacking in fluidity and was as eloquent as a sliced pineapple. Later on in our encounters around the club and bar set i was pleasantly surprised, i was indeed correct.
However i mustn't let my disdain get in the way of my professionalism so i offered some measured praise,
"well, atleast you've finally lost some of that, weight"
I just smiled and showed polite concern.
S. and i trained together and worked during torrid times, she was the one who would always make my life difficult by pointing out my failures, i look back now in gratitude for it was her scrutiny that has, made me unblemished by the powers that be. They tried to slip me over with a snap cubicle/room clean according to OHNS guidelines', without notes.
I just did it whilst talking about wholesome country recipe's.
That is why S. and i have a great working relationship even though we don't work together anymore.

We had lunch and talked, well she did and i listened per usual. I don't mind, it's all part of going somewhere.

When does drama cease to be after all the house lights have faded?

Wall was quiet, grabbed guava granita then smoked and stared at lime green leaves, grey blue rooftop apartments and the Cat power dvd i bought.
It features 2 hrs of cat power singing in the country side, just her and the guitar and that voice which bellows forlorn emptiness, it's so powerful yet delivered in rebellious-subtlety. It would be amazing to see her live in such a setting.
unfortunately she has canceled her U.S '06 tour, get well soon Chan!

Geez, like i know the woman..... like i know anybody.....

I can't emphasize enough the brilliance of C., it certainly out does brokeback.
I sat in front of the television for over an hour, captivated, unmoved.
This is what happens when a level of acting ability illuminates mastered directing, i'm just amazed by it.

Before my afternoon movie, i was out at the AGNSW for lunch, slice of blueberry almond cake amongst the elderly and school kids. I felt out of place, a minion amongst slaves however the day passed quick.
They have hidden the van goh in a corner of the gallery, tracey moffat is on display again and art express is on.
Whilst listening to cat power i was enveloped amongst 10ft aboriginal paintings every colour pattern swimming around me.
Pausing at petit-severe japanese lacquer ornaments, miniature incense boxes and palm sized calligraphy boxes.
A woman snuck up beside me and whispered "exquisite, aren't they?"
i could barely exhale .

The greatest - Cat Power.

Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind of waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
Stars of night turned deep to dust

Melt me down
Into big black armour
Leave no trace of grace
Just in your honour
Lower me down
To culprit south
Make 'em wash a space in town
For the lead
And the dregs of my bed
I've been sleepin'
Lower me down
Pin me in
Secure the grounds
For the later parade

Once I wanted to be the greatest
Two fists of solid rock
With brains that could explain
Any feeling

Lower me down
Pin me in
Secure the grounds
For the lead
And the dregs of my bed
I've been sleepin'
For the later parade

Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind of waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
Stars of night turned deep to dust.

I had the most belligerent day with clients who made crap seem like enticing bottles of mini-moets.
6 fucken hours and then some NONG!!! comes in and wants me to stare at his arse crack and balls
"but not the pubic hair, just the stuff round it..i got this rash like.. caught it off somewhere.."
FUCKKKENDBSDJBFAOSIHHDLAKNSDBAS,MDJB...
"yer it might smell cos i just had a run"

KAKA!!

So there i was trying to make sense of this pasty white dudes hairy arse crack and looking serious whilst listening to his sob story of how his "rash" was ruining his life.
FUCKURMOTHERSASHATPILE!!!

told him to call us when he's ready, it was way past 6pm and i aint doing freebies anymore.

There's someone else avail. for that... hello!! But i've become the one who does "difficult" areas...when did that happen?????
"dude, i seen more pussy than a sailors cock".

fuck i hate my life.

But anyway he had a huge veiny cock, almost as big as Petes whopper-donger, you be shitting victorian furninture after a night with Pete.

Hi deb.

When a seal is removed there is very little chance the contents will ever be the same.
I was at my usual cafe-sunday mode flouncing round bleary-eyedness and second-gear expressions, i wanted today to be memorable enough so that i can recount the ways.
An amazing chocolate mousse cake, coffee, cloudy-lemonade
"what makes it cloudy?"
"i don't know, it just comes like that"

Books, insurmountable printed paper, a catacomb of ideas indexed along creaking floorboards. Attitude, lots of it at inappropriate moments and a woman with a lorraket ontop of her head. Another character floating by in an epileptic stream.

A woman harassing passers-by for money, charity she proclaimed to Jess, peters Microsoft-friend, "no, thanks he sheepishly replied , i turn round to experience harassment only to be ignored by her.
Charity has abandoned me.

We lurched from one end of town to the other eventually settling down at 'Lounge' bohemian cafe/bar with excessive Sydney attitude and demi-fashionites.
Drinks, nicotine and more drinks... Sitting round being visually raped by provocative pictures from Debs mobile phone.
Laughter, dusk and knowing we will never be the same again before the new week ends.

Will i remember these people? will i pass them in the street unnoticed?
or will we become ashened pages on a mountain of memories.

Is it wrong to ask someone not to leave?

Today was one of those onereos days languishing in stifling summer humidity, beer, dark pub corners and many cigarillos later merely shadowed the inevible. Re-discovering what it's like to be effortless in dependency, walking slightly ajar with alcohol streaming through my veins and perfumes of others dancing beneath my nostrils.
No, I'm not a lesbian thanks as you look at me gingerly, I've become so asexual in a society of stereotypes.

I bought a shard of quartz crystal, why not, it's something I don't need.
The girl who wrapped purple tissue paper round my rock had an exceptionally calm sense, we locked eyes and I saw something.
She stared at my card once swiped through, I read her name tag, we looked at each other again,
"Jenny, Jenny Thomson...?"
she smiled,
"did you go to Arncliffe public ...."
"yes I did... you're .... "
There was a pause that punctured waterfall and languid tolling of Buddhist bells, lines in the palms of our hands crossed paths and every nuance permeating through amethyst haze, we connected.
My heart fell 50 storeys.

The eftpos machine started printing.

"Thank you very much"

I nodded and walked out, crystal tucked into a recess of a well-worn army bag salivating with tobacco resin.

Jenny was the girl I went with to my school formal, we weren't suppose to go together, but Margaret changed her mind and I was too shy to ask jenny in the first place. But as fate would have it, I ended up with a bunch of hastily broken flowers at her doorstep.
We drank fruit juice and did some english country dancing where we would skip in circles of friends and exchange, then go round to only link back together again.
Elipses of youth opening and closing our childhood.
As I sat drinking coffee on the corner of the world, I picked up remnants, histories and that heart which writhed on crackling asphalt with one hand the other on a cigarillo it's lines blurring away into apathetic smoke.
Empty faces and hastily stuck on references all dissolving into fading pulses.

My mother wants me to quit smoking, my father tells me it's upto me to decide, he quit because of us not for himself.

"he's lonely, that's why he's smoking again, are u lonely son?"

"can't quit what wont let me go"