I went to bed rather early tonight , from what i recall 8pm as i was drifting in and out of consciousness.
Today was a very long day with3hrs doing miss perma-tan , an hour and half into the treatment consisting of polite banter and discussions about her pretty genitalia a strange smell started to waft . A sharp vintage with colourful resonance and a hint of spicy lemon preserved in a cheap glass jar.
"Oh, i'm so sorry, i think i'm having my period"

red faces all round.

Her well proportioned vulvalic doors wriggled like the nose of an overly active rabbit, dribbling some trail of sick.

"oh, *silence* i never knew periods looked like this" Innocently commented me.

And so my day was complete, i walked away feeling most overlayed with swathes of intrepidation whilst fingering my neck.
i say aloud to a staff member whos outwardly appearance could only be described as desicated.

"I think my glands are swollen"

She then hurriedly rifled through her chloe imitation handbag handing me 2 tic tacs.

I heard through the grapevine another girl had to go home because she caused such aromatic chaos after relieving wind silently.
I remember when another girl who literally exploded in the upstairs toilet. I thought L was joking until i went up there and saw the walls.
She never came back poor thing, yet she was one of the most nicest people to work with.
It's always the nicest ones.

I waited round chinatown to be picked up by my daddy, dear daddy, what would i do without your Honda?
Amongst the filth and european backpackers whos sperm infested mouths gape at the wonderment that is sydney and mainlanders shuffling round with third world affluence parking their baby strollers in the middle of the footpath causing traffic chaos.
One child is one too many .

I'm so glad i don't live in the city anymore, i can't stand these cretins.

I think fridays has become this mint tea-coffee-cranberry vodka day especially now John has all this free time, i have an explicit reason to have a drink. We plopped about at Wall then to gaslight for drinks inwhich a strange bloated-from-too-much alcohol homosexual in a cheap blue cableknit jumper put his hand on my shoulder and proclaimed "the girl at the bar is stronger than she looks" and gave sly winks whilst i drank and chatted to john.
Freak.

When tomorrows over i will be having a double anything, i've got a 3hr brazillian to do in the later half of the day with no public transport for me to get even more stressed out over.

New curtains, same old blinds.

I couldn't fit into a size 30 pair of Levi straight leg denim pants today .
And ofcourse they don't have 32 and i had to buy some other brand which by all means changed my idea of a faded denim summer to indigo.

My new american underwear arrived today, i adore wide elastic support and 100% brushed cotton despite the erratic customer service i'll buy some more later.
I also bought a mp3/video camera and old australian television programs now on dvd, same old , same old..

Last night i went out to normans 32 birthday, a family affair, infact it was very family, loud, crazy and too much alcohol. I polished off 2 bottles of red, i don't know how i did it but by the time i got home i was comatosed and woke up at 3am all fresh and ready to go.
Norman and i grew up together but when we hit 18 we grew apart even though he lives just one street away. Our familes entwined in that sentimantality that we deplore yet secretly peer through whilst running past the frames of existance.
We all have grown alot older, physically we've changed, new additions tacked on for security and then in the light of our understanding , we have never changed one bit.
Terry, Regent, winston, Ellina, Angela, Norman, Patrick...we have aged but the sunrise of our connection was still there.

"It's good to see you again" i proclaimed whilst we escaped nightshade after nightshade, these visions of our lives hauntingly familiar tugging at gossamer threads, invisble yet visible, fading and enchanting. My history, my life all that i have been trying to float away from.

All there.

Today i headed out to forbes and burton , try and get a grip of my own journey, i was quite shaken by what i had try to leave behind.

Gin and tonic, double in a tall glass thank you.

John joined me after the gym, then we headed to latteria to pose and be seen, a little boy was racing his tricycle along victoria street with an adult helmet on.
Joined by Nick and finally i got those two to meet.
We headed to darlo-bar for more drinks and amy joined us and the night was building to a crecendo, i sat back wobbling about after 2 vodkas, amy turned on her amy-ness and us gay-boys got our entertainment.
Drinks! darlings drinks!

I think i managed to get nick and john together, im much too old to take advantage of those two, i feel like a dirty-old man even the opportunity was always there but, friends last longer than one-night-fucks.

Me and my beautiful boys!

But this history i'm re-writing seems to lead me closer and closer to the history i had in the first place.

These shaken leaves are but flames on a well-known tree.

I've been lost in the vortex of EBAY and this, my space which i have yet to understand. Is it the new wave of hopeful-celebritism? I find it quite exposing and daunting to have so much of yourself up online, to think years ago 'blogging' was actually my divulging but now, i've become less interested in exposing myself.
Maybe it's age.

So anyway i went out to Moore park to look at curtains and ended up buying an electronic wine chiller.

Came home, cleaned blah blah, my life has been abit boring.

However i am excited 1) Pete is arriving in syd. in september 2) my new underpants ought to arrive in a week or so and it is so much cheaper buying from the united states. 3) nick is getting a mulberry bag , it's so big i could fit in it so i'd like to try when it arrives.

Please explain?

I;m having problems with my underwear, basically i need more support and less "movement".
Recently i had an embarrassing moment standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross a busy highway when my penis decided to get active. I had boxers on underneath a pair of relaxed pair of pants which meant well, there was no control and i had to run and sit down somewhere to let it pass.
Male version of a period cramp.
Boxers are great to wear round the house in summer.
I have a ton of underwear, mainly those tiny low-rise things and bikini-cut from the good-whore-days, but now with er, age i'm finding i need comfort more than seduction besides they can't seem to hold everything in anymore, it just spills out or pubic hair gets stuck in the elastic, eeeck!!.
This pair looked weird although i'm tempted to get this with it's 'butt-enhancing' pad but i don't want any embarrassing encounters.
Basically i've spent all night searching for a good pair of underpants that hold everything in place and keep it there.

So i just got back on the packed train on a sunday afternoon very pissed, to the point wher ei mistaken an emo teeneage girl for a guy. It's an easy mistake to make.

I went over to amys for late lunch to visit her lovely new pad in east-redfern "EAST, NOT THE NORMAL RED-FERRRRN" she screams down the phone.
Anyway after trekking up the main street i find it, it's nice, minimalist with big metal sliding shutters and intergrated living and kitchen area.
After gettin the vibe and opening all her cabinets i realise she has everything and i really don't know what to get her.
She even has Gucci cutlery.
So anyway after several bottles of white we settled down to some wonderful tibetean fried ricae and tempura she made fresh, the secrets in the iced-batter. It was fabulous.
Several glasses of white after we were kind of smashed, Amy fell asleep on the outdoor setting and i kept laughing at Lynn and her stories and tenzin sang to vintage micheal jackson.
"So, do you think he's a paedophile?" and we all ummed and ahhed before answering.. hahaha.
Dark chocoLAte and some more drinks and basically amy passed out so we headed home, me flapping about with flatheel converse i bought when i was going through the "street" phase, to get back to the roots, get real like J-lo but ended up sounding like a duck .

Lynes buying her a special rubbish bin.. hahaha.. i have to get my act together, something to go with their gorgeous and i mean GORGEOUS mongolian side table.

i got the flu again! ergh, so i'm abit low but loaded up with pseudopherine so i'm walking round like an egyptian.

Work has been hectic but that's ok, met up with eric the frenchman on thursday and we talked about fabulous united nations things and abit of bondage thrown in. His accent is to die for... to die for.
Then i popped into wall cafe for a quick coffee and skipped over to townhall for work stopping by kino. for a thick magazine purchase.

It's Tuesday night! work has been hectic lately and i've been going round looking for a housewarming gift for amy. I couldn't decide whether the blue or green Versace fruit bowl, Vera wang tea set or Louis vuitton picnic rug. So anyway i'm going over to amys this sunday for drinks and will decide which would fit in her new apt. If she's all for colour and using some woven palm leaf basket as a fruit bowl then i know what to get. They had a gorgeous white porcelin versace bowl with a raised medusa head on the bottom so u could see it through the soup!! fantastic!
But i already gave them cut-crystal for their wedding, it was a er.. bowl.. so i guess you can have too many ....bowls.

A george jensen thermos?

However i did find a fabulous etched glass carafe and huge hurricane lamp on sale and bought those for myself for when there's a hurricane or i could sit infront of a fan with a glass of red.

Lately i've been having disturbing dreams about myself in dramatic situations.

And i haven't had sex in ages and it's showing in my loss-of-zen when i encounter stupid obese people in the city walking in groups staring up at buildings.
STARE A LITTLE LONGER AND YOU MIGHT EAT A PIDGEON!!

Just aswell sex has quieten down though as my hamerroids have flared up, there i was so bored, trying to push part of my rectum back in only for it to pop back out like a jack in a box!
Oh well, i'll just have to wait till it settles down.

However, i will be having lunch with the delightful Eric the frenchman on thursday.

Maybe i need to not want what i haven't got.
Maybe alot of things.
I went over to Jamies before the meowmeow performance tonight, he cooked a delightful ginger/garlic oyster mushroom snow pea dish with rice. His place is 50's retro in a slightly niave way but cute never the less, his cat was fantastic though, a fat tabby with stripes across her body like shadows from swinging window blinds in spring.
It was an odd scene, there i was reading the newspaper throwing glass after glass of a semillon blanc which was slightly sticky and he, cooking away in the kitchen.
Sometimes i think he is trying to say something other than what he is actually saying.
This abstraction is confusing, i think we're confused.
But i do like his company i just miss having a more intense physical connection with someone, a gentle kiss on the lips "hello" and "goodbye" doesn't seem to go anywhere but i'm worried he might panic or runaway if i push for more.
I just want more.

There is the option of not doing anything, going along with no desire of diving further.

The emptiness drives me insane.

If anything i'm discovering new parts of me, conflicting, vunerable, merciless.

I try to look into his eyes, beyond what is present through to reflections of his heart but i can't see beyond the gentle kiss goodbye.

The performance by MeowMeow was quite good, however her intensity sometimes confused ones reaction, audience participation was rife and frightening, her diamnte bracelet fell onto my lap and she quipped "give that back soon, i don't trust you!"
Her more serious moments were breath-taking, the audience was caught inside her gaze and emotive cage, she was best when she took off her comic disguise.

I had lunch with Jamie, we met up again for lunch but this time i was protected by the belief that i am, no ones.
We talked about what has or has not happened during the week, i sensed a degree of fustration on his behalf, i was preoccupied by cigarettes (found at the back of a drawer) and staring into the distance.
"They're all the same, all the same....."
We had the lunch and like nothing had interrupted the time which slipped through our upturned eyelashes.
And then saturday came up.
He asked if i worked on saturday, he well knew i did, i proceeded to map out my itenerary, straight from work i will go to the QVB for some food (and bottle of Sake) then organise my self into opera-mode (change of outfit in the bathrooms there because they sooo pretty and have full length mirror) and jetisen down the opera house at 7, "meet you there."

"oh but i thought you could come round to my place, have a rest and i can cook dinner then go down to the performance"

You know when you fuck up when all of a sudden the illicit program you so comprehensively devised becomes a huge fuckin' X

fuck fuck fuck, i sooo fucked up.

However he did add, if i changed my mind i could text/call him during saturday.

"Dreams unwind, love is a state of mind"

I didn't show anything that would suggest aprehension he just smelt it through the plumes of my disguise.

Weekend was quiet, i got my crystal bits and been stringing them up for summer-neck-accesories, work was the usual, i had the moaner on saturday, she was quite vocal and i was feeling abit hung over so, it was a struggle.
Today i just cleaned my room and repotted some plants, all of my lily collection are gone, bleh, cost me a bit too but oh well but those stinky jonquils are popping up everywhere. Just took it easy, i've just been feeling low lately.
No news at all from Jamie, oh well, if i don't hear from him at all this week then i'll just not turn up at the opera house performance, i'm too old for pointless-ness and disappearing acts. Got dinner with Amy and fergus on friday night so that'll be fun and got to get back into the scene again, coffee, books,cigarillos and looking fantastic in skinny pants you know the deal.

I had a wonderful conversation with one of my indian clients on saturday, she lived in kenya for 10years and told me this recipe for henna hair dye. I love it when she wears her sari into the clinic. She just got her licence and i said 'revethi, you should race people at traffic lights" she just giggled.