Having finally gotten over the shock of being rejected so quickly by a recruitment/temp agency i'm feeling a little bit vague.
I spent the whole day looking for possible career choices, even applied for a few ,
one was so way out that i said so in the cover letter.
Rejection feeds on our vunerabilities.
Eventually i had a mini-break down and went to bed swirling in an ocean of shadows.
The beauty in anger and fear, it's tannins stinging consciousness it's horrifying yet beautiful.

Then i got out of bed, wrote 3 poems and sent them to italy.

i'll be 32 next year yet still i don't know what i want.

Things i have to do before Christmas.

Buy something gorgeous for myself , note White picket fence.

Vacuum my room

Do something with my hair, i'm tempted to ask pete to slice it with a razor.

Come up with a new attitude, i'm scaring too many people with the current one ;)

More schemes.

Re-educate my wardrobe. Am currently dying a pair of jeans i have painted with lychee-tea, darken the hue of my shoes, bash-up some shirts.

Get 'The Doors' greatest hits cd.

to believe finally, "nothing is perfection"

Spent thursday out on the town with Pete, running round Gucci and Prada throwing 24karat attitude.
There is nothing wrong with buying jeans at Prada.
I would have if it wasn't for that annoying itallian salesman on speed.
The bland waiter at lindt cafe copped it direct, it's not a good idea to ask what we're doing 5minutes after we had ordered , "CAKE!!" .

I'm so appreciative of Pete not making a fuss over my smoking and even had a few puffs, most impressive.

We managed to get it together at a wonderful Japanese minimalist resteraunt ontop of the Queen victoria building, Japanese minimalist mixed into victoriana, so beguiling. That's when the beautiful Sar-reh joined us, an iranian princess slightly frayed at the edges.
We giggled and bounced about, through dusk at Hyde park into the boho-rock realm of Lounge. There we settled to some more smokes and drinks, a strange conversation with tree on a mobile phone and moments of wildness. Slowly the evening gathered some more exs, friends, people of relative importance all co-joining in a dimly lit evening of paper-thin pizza, fish cakes and more ..drinks.

What happened afterwards i wont elborate for we went our seperate ways and those stories best told by fresh voices however some of us actually went home .

I've been listening to The Doors all day today and painted a pair of old jeans.

Realised i need a new digital camera and actually use it so i can print enlarged images.

Damn pixels.

Been spending some time with N. who will be going Melb. soon, i'll miss her and her wacky husband, we are deadly together coming up with the most ridiculous schemes and laughing our heads off.

Let's not talk about work, it's becoming a farce.

I went into the city before heading into hell to buy some more.. mmm.. cigarillos at a tiny cigar place in the strand owned by the.. cigar nazi.
When i first went there and asked for a dupont she looks me up and down and hands me a softer vanilla flavoured cigarillo and a dutch mini.
"You try this first, this one good"
In my pretentious voice i asked if there were better, havana made , she didn't even batter an eyelid "$25 thanks, why u still standing there?"
But she was right, the vanilla was easy and accessable and the dutch for a dare was, well, very strong and if i couldn't do dutch how am i suppose to do Havana and Cuban?

Ah.

Today she smiled as i asked for another tin of vanillas, "you like this? good. try this one, very popular"
it's a chcolate flavoured one that's 2cm longer due to a filter.
Did she overheard cafe society talking about some skinny boy smoking cigarillos with bits of tabacco stuck on his lips?

Long and phallic with sweetness of chocolate, i had to use my Tiffany's cotton bag to hold them.

I was told by 'mu hairdressers' to move further away from the seat i sitting at Latteria today because... "your cigar smoke is coming into our shop"
I kind of felt like i was dicrimminated against but then.... do i really care?
Well after 3 cigars later, i moved, onto Pablos vice.

Along the way i bump into my ex with... my best friend.
Hm.

Had a few more and pineapple/mango juice... it's my little bit of health. And i nearly fell off the chaise, they have a bloody wooden roman-chaise at pablos vice along a steep incline.

Some of my cigar smoke went into their tiny cafe but i didn't get any orders so.. i gave them a generous tip.

The world, it's inhabitants seem so placid and delicious as i trip-a-la-palooza George street, Pitt street hop-scotching through Town hall waving to blue flags of kinokuniya into my favourite crystal shop to be shot with a million rainbow razor blades.

oh..weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............. kak!

My eyes are bloodshot and lips hungry for more 30 second delay.

What is your ideal man?

Interesting question and of all things i've asked myself i haven't asked what is my type of man.

I don't know.

Even visually i have trouble focusing on what type i prefer.

I find physical attraction in all races, shapes and sizes except i guess, extremes but then i'm attracted to them psychologically because introversion.

I find vunerability sexy.

Natural , is sexy.

Smells are sexy but not overwhelming. Prefably mixed with non-human smells.

Smell of Brandy is sexy.

Honesty is sexy ? i hope so.


this is stupid, i feel terribly embarrassed.

I've been made semi-part-time now.. i don't know what it means except i'll have even more time on my hands.
The new clinic isn't doing so well... it's eating away at profits (moan) so they have decided to cut staff working hours.
I felt quite upset when i heard i was first off the rank considering all the client PR work been done lately, oh well, now i only come in for my clients which means, i don't have to do any other work.
I've had enough of throwing all my energy into the clinic when there's very little credit given, it took me this long to realise it, the rest of the team knew ages ago.

So, anyway it means i can start working on my art projects.
I want to document a friend of mine, greg, who is going to do some sculpture with his welding machine. Hopefully there will be plenty of shirtless hunky male action going on with bits of art but who knows... but i want to document the creative process and how it affects a person. I also need to branch out with my photography , outside controlled environments.
And there's Pete, he will be in sydney and i will try and make him my muse/model.

oh and by the way, i bought 'Little Britain' on dvd.... the gay guy is a killer.

Talk to me about the meaning of life.....


From roaches to hiccups in sobriety to elementals, perception is swirling up between my lips.

It's a disgusting habit, so is you.

And tomorrow i will sit with you and have political debates and artisitc freewill, an occasional mythology to keep step-ahead.

We become more than imposters but, poorly paid actors drowning in strange verses.

Hello i think i love you.

The days are long pointing upward it's apex a long,long sigh.
This moment has passed whilst that moment will never eventuate so what has passed is inhaled for what atomised,
a clever muse.

ergh.. i'm just really bored right now. work has gone slow, spent most of this week calling up old clients.

And it's hot. so bloody hot.

I think i'll go shopping tomorrow, goodnight.

I felt much better today so i decided to venture out into cafe-land with my new slimmer waistline.
Plopped down at Latteria for peppermint tea and a slice of their uber-banana bread with andrew and decklin.
Although i've heard alot about decklin i've never met him until now and i know why.
He doesn't stop talking about anything. He is one stream of consciousness without the english breeding.
He asked me..."do you have alot of trousers or do u have a mix of shirts and trousers" as i was trying to be cool at white picket fence. I laughed, it was my only reaction i could fathom.
He didn't stop talking till i left andrews yet still i can still hear him waffling on about nothing.

Thank goodness for cigarettes or i would have punched his mouth in.

Other than that,Jae has been posting all these naughty pictures which seem to get me abit hot and bothered.
Being male aint all that great.

hello stranger

Maybe i need one of these.

I could only work half a day today, actually i should have not worked at all whilst feeling physically detached with lead-infused eyelids. But work (abit) i did.
Don't you wish you had me as an employee?
Yes, i genuinely love what i do and look at my clients as, works in progress, artworks revealed only after removing what is there.

I have a stalker.
He calls me everynight around 11pm and asks me what i'm doing then proceeds to what i wear and which room i'm in.
I ought to be thankful but the novelty is wearing thin so i don't answer any 'private' numbers that ring.
I might have met him once years ago, i vaguely remember but maybe i have just inserted a hopeful image into my head.
Never the less, i'm not amused.

i won't be eating smoked salmon pide' for a while, it made me lose a kilo or two. On the upside i don't get marked when wearing designer pants afterwards.

who the fuck do you think you are?

I've become Princess Margaret, the one with a chip on her shoulder eventually dying soon after dipping her toes into a hot bath.

The man trying to sip his organic fruit juice cough and splatted as i exhaled the heady cigar smoke, they said it would be a "non-offending vanilla scented smoke" so much for being considerate.

There are many reasons why i have started smoking and coffee again, not excuses but reasons best not analysed too harshly. Maybe i actually chose to smoke with the knowlege i have of it and the past experience opposed to childlike curiosity.

Naturally i'm highly strung although when you meet me one would think otherwise.

Work gets stressful eventhough i 'step-out-of-the-box and look at it from an alternate angle" this happens after you've reacted, it's a conscious descision opposed to emotive responce.
The damage is already done.

Seeing a close and vibrant friend living with HIV. His future uncertain yet inevidable questions many decisons i've made and why.

Little brother-like-cousin being diagnosed with schizophrenea and trying to reassure him things will improve.

"i hope they can give me a pill and it will fix it"

"sorry, but that's not how it goes"

etc,etc,etc

Many unfortunate events waiting for a selfish answer to placate or maybe, just maybe i actually enjoy the taste of tobacco.

Wrought iron furniture is so yesterday.