I'm about to go out clubbing with john, nick (if i can find him) and friends.

It's strange, i'm feeling very hesitant and just want to call the whole thing off however it is the perfect evening for clubbing as christmas is 2 days away so i can get myself presentable for that then boxing day i got 2 parties to do.
It's been a while, a long while, since early this year but that was with that boy who ran away. So i guess there is a little after effects still there, i feel old and fat and...well... i've lost that nievity that i had about venturing round the scene, to be seen, now i don't care if anyone notices or not, i don't need that validation.
However i thought i could really have a fun time with nick and john and even catch the famous Gav and take him over to pheonix make him experience the "toilets" there.. hahaha.
I'm older, wiser however slower and resigned to what life always is , a passing of human events.
I started to get panic attacks again since monday i guess, i thought they could still be the nicotine withdrawl symptoms but it's oh so familiar. Rocks my confidence and makes me devolute and hide.
But i know if i give in it'll make it harder to do other things later on, more adventurous and complex (such as being on that God damn fundraising committe) so i'm going out tonight not only to catch up with some great people, jump around (do i remember how to dance?) lose some weight hopefully, and lose myself into the world of sexy drum beats and sampled psychedelica but also, to say fuck off to demons of discontent, 2006.

I miss Andrew very much when i think about the crazy-club days we had, dressed up like freaks and taunting the plastic-boys. Laughing at our own misfortune, having a hot pash with some stranger outside his place then climbing up those stairs and into the heated toilet.

Spoke to Prem today at lunch, she's still in a state of shock, she tells me
"i keep thinking he's going to SMS me or call me or enter through the door, it's like a nightmare but it doesn't end"

And then i think, i should live abit more.

Oh, i'm back to full-time starting next week, 2007 is looking busy already and it has yet to begin.