We didn't go watching the kubric movie instead we had drinks and talked alot at gaslight then down to 3 weeds pub where he tried to say something but it didn't come out right, "i'm really glad we met" and i for a split second hesitated, a glimmer in the wash that is my eye, i hesitated and i think the world heard a perforated tide crash in.
I agreed and we had another drink.
Earlier on we headed to piccolo cafe for abit to eat, it was the usual politically incorrect comments left right and center, he seemd to enjoy the atmosphere and wanted to stay forever.
We share very similar life histories, we at times finish each others sentences, it may be, too much for him to digest.
Or maybe it's me, most probably it's both of us.

I'm about to go out to the pictures with Jamie, i've resisted seeing him during the week as i'm getting abit nervous about the direction of our relationship. Plus the fact i was down with the flu but that's another matter.

This has been the longest relationship so far (touching, kissing allowed) without having sex with the person and i'm finding it a whole new experience. I feel slightly vunerable, am i not communicating my affections enough to him? am i being frigid (from past experiences i don't think so) will i lose him to someone else who's more affronting?
The attraction is there and i have expressed so be it in a clumsy manner and do have the desire to sexually explore his long , toned body, he's blonde too (bonus points!! ding ding!!)
He suggested some 'pub' places for lunch which i'm sure would be fine , be it in paddington, but i abruptly suggested otherwise. I realised for the past few times, well everytime i've been the one who suggested, if not,, decided where we would meet up. I apologised for being so demanding, he seems to go along with most things, but we all have a certain quantity that wants to be heard and i don't want to be overbearing or a reason for regret.
So, the movie we're seeing , being kubric or something was his choice, i bit my tongue when i thought "omg this is boring" , who knows i may even enjoy it, i enjoyed lost in translation and that was something i wasn't looking forward to seeing.
It is this need to control the outcome of a situation, the need to pre-arrange incidents inorder to get away unscathed that has been my trademark of my exisitance but this time i want to change .

This flu bug is strong, well i went out today to see yuji about my hair, he fixed it and it seemed such a lovely day so i head over to wall after for coffee and smoke. I guess it isint good to smoke when u have blocked sinuses cos by the time i got home i could feel my brain scraping the inside of my skull. It was horrible and just now i held my nose and blew hard which popped my ears and now i have fluid draining down my nasal passage into my throat, it's gross but my head feels better and i took some antihistimines just because, i mean when else are u going to take them and now i feel all fuzzy with the physical pressence of an amoeba.
I remember once i took so many antihistimins at work i was doing a million things at once and freaked one of the girls out, she burst into tears when i tried to file a card, answer phone and wrap an ice pack at the same time.

Oh, i think it's time to revisit that scenario, these sudafeds are about to expire.

I got hit with the flu this week, well it's not that bad except for blocked sinuses and feeling all weak and vunerable. It's been so grey i could easily just collapse in the street and pretend i'm a modern Jane bloody eyre .
So besides sleeping and walking round like a zombie not much has happened, i've managed to pay Andrew back for the clothes he got me on credit in tokyo and paid for some crystal pieces which i will be wearing for summer.
My message for summer is, glamorous-new-age-chic.
So depending on my psychic energy for the day , i will wear a corresponding crystal necklace, eg rose-quartz if i'm feeling friendly, amethyst for serious aura prescence, clear-quartz for clarity ot black onyx for uber-attitude.
I'm trying not to be seduced by this new 'craft' phenomenon that has hit Australia, bead shops are opening everywhere and housewives have thrown their knitting needles and macrame sets away for glue guns, toggles and 8mm metal loops.
It's a craze!
But i did crystal necklaces before shell-chips were the ornament of surfy boys, gorgeous surfy boys.

Anyway, hopefully i will be fine for sunday so i can catch up with Jamie again, we've been keeping intouch alot, i mean, i try not to think too much about it, enjoy each moment not thinking too far ahead or it will just get me all nervous.
He's a nice guy (as far as i know) gentler and funny, quirky.

Saturday was busy as usual however there is an unpleasantness has entered the clinic which is a pity. Working with a bunch of women you certainly learn about bitchiness. It's funny sometimes but really annoying most of the time.
Anyway, i went to the hardware shop (god help me) today and bought some pots which looked kind of pretty and blue and cheap. When i got back i realised i had to take plants out of old pot and put them in new. It looks all fine and dandy on television but bloody hell pots are heavy, especially when there's soil in them.
But managed to repot the autum crocuses and found my lily collection has become mulch, pulled out the peppermint which has gone feral and cut back the crysathemumns. To think i actually enjoyed doing this years ago, i just want to concrete the entire back garden.

DSC06080

DSC06080
Originally uploaded by haru98.

Just because.

I took lunch at forbes and burton with a handful of trash mags.

Beef brisket between a round of creamy potato mash and umbrella sized field mushroom.

Very delicious!
Then i took a double gin and tonic and had a decent smoke outside.

I was bemused by Imelda marcos's quote in 'tatler' magazine

"i take over 2hrs to get dressed to see the poor"

to be continued....

You know when you've had too much partying when you mistake taking a fart for actually pooping and you're too lazy to, investigate.

Bucky done gun.

To have thought i was wallowing in self pity i ended up at club 77 last night trying to re-live my party animal past.
It started with an irrate french girl who accused me of stealing her mothers jacket which was a "expensive french label" i stupidly looked round with her under the table till i realised she had taken my cigar before i could advise her not to inhale , it was too late. Well i couldn't be bothered besides an hour later she was involved in some scrag fight with a tiny charcol-weilding art student and then she bursts into tears infront of some nobodies and scampers into the toilets for hours. Infact i lost track of time after i gave some "disapproving-looks-to-her-male-companion" who stood outside the toilet.
Stupid french bitch.
Jamie and i chatted away till the dancefloor looked more inviting, meaning we wouldn't be the only ones there making a fool of ourselves, the music was irratic.
I don't understand this new 80's industrial revival, it isn't even reworked merely played louder and mixed with very high pitched whistling sounds which really make you believe you have tinnitus.
Anyway the night progressed like most club-nights, the crowd came in, infact there was a crowd at club 77 which is rare. The old school were hovering round the back put ajar by these new art students. They are just soooo tiny!
One dear girl was so tiny i had to watch out for her or i could have decapitated her newly acquired bob-cut head with a swing of my elbows.

Why do people insist on taking drinks up on the dancefloor area and proceed to...drink? um it's a dancefloor... ????????????

I did come away feeling abit out of place, slight relic in an age of 80's retro bow ties , skinny clothes, devo-sunglasses at night (what?????) , boys in unbreathable paisley shirts and pastel ensembles.

Why do fat men with back hair insist on taking off their shirts?

The 'art performance' started quite late and was, well under-whelming. They had this girl dressed up in red sequin dress stuffed into two airbag breasts. She shimmied round the stage then plunged an audience members face into her breasts which popped, she manouvered the remaining breast into the center and had it popped whilst she was on the floor. Then she got some audience members to pump them up with bicycle pumps.
The end.
Now do i read something into this or do i just take it as burlesque-cum-nowhere?

Whatever happened to the huge igloo and belly-dancing inside? The neon body piercing or the german cannibal performance where he threw offal all over the floor and squirted the audience with fake blood which we later stomped on all night long?.

I missed the club 77 of old, the goths who've held onto their black lipstick/eyeliner and black hats, grey-felt just doesn't do it darlings.
The ones gripping the roots of Robert smith whilst screeching down avenues in something modern-european.
When haute meets rebel, when vegetarian is served on royal doultan.

So much for sentimentality.

It was nice to spend time with Jamie though.

Why is everyone so fat in the movie 'Titanic" ?

These few days haven't been all that glitters infact more so the fade.
It started with a mosquito buzzing round my head whilst i was having coffee and a lemon curd tart at Kinokuniya. It flew by me and round, hovering with the eloquence of a tropical butterfly with one half hearted wave of my hand it flew away then back again out the corner of my eye i see it spiral down into my cup of coffee.
Did it get caught the downdraft, a mini vortex of colliding hot and cold winds.
I scooped it out with a well polished teaspoon and continued.
Eventhough work hasn't been strenuous infact everything seemed to fall perfectly into place, familiar clients, familiar routine but a lead-like shroud kept wrapping round, enveloping every fuel cell.
I've only slept and read a dozen or so pages and couldn't wait to get home .
Maybe it's a cold, maybe it's withdrawl from excess, maybe it's the calm before the storm.
I nearly succumb to the stress of a fully booked saturday but managed to pull myself back when empathy made me a better man.

I went to bed at 7 tonight.

Now i'm feeling a little bit better, i don't have any want to go out anywhere, it's the long weekend, i don't know what's going on with my dispondancy that notion of continous non-rational fear, the need to be, occupied, fear of not being.

It's a peculiar feeling, when i was busy with being out and about i felt no desire to exist in an interior world that special place where beauty is magnified and exhaled. Once i said "what is art?" as a legitimate question.
This coming from someone who made his own oil paints.

Ws i suppose to go out clubbing this sunday? I'm almost dreading it although part of me would love to be social.

I even went to my doctor to have a mole check.

And so this goes on till i can say otherwise.

I've come to a decision about my financial predicament, i shall go on a budget.
The past attempts have led to major spending splurges (you really shouldn't repress the shopper within) however i have found taking stock of what you have tends to placate any urges for new purchases. I am thoroughly appalled at my excess to think there are people in the world barely have enough to pack into a Prada bum-bag in refugee camps surrounded by well-intentioned first-world kiddies decked out in pastel blue vests.
It's enough to make you want to whore yourself on the Kashmir border, darling.
So as i have been extremely successful at being celibate for the month of May surely i can refrain from adding to what i already have.
If i do have an irrational-depressive-poverty moment i would focus that urge on small purchases for people i don't like or sensible objects such as, kitchen implements and cleaning products.
This will hopefully come to it's loathsome conclusion and soothe my capitalist ways.
I don't want more, just better things.
So June will be budget-conscious month.

Lunch is exempted however alcohol will be restricted to one drink and make do with free table water.

Another thing i have to deal with is this British accent issue or as one person put it "malay-ssssian". I nearly choked on my canape.
I don't want to be mistaken for a , malay-sian nor do i want to be mistaken for a Laotian.
Once i was mistaken for an Indian!
Mind you, if all Indian boys were as sexy as the gorgeous boy at the supermarket check out today i wouldn't mind. That dark smooth skin and lips of wild cloves and peppery cinnamon and a juicy dark cock like.... well i don't know..haven't tasted indian cock yet.
Anyway this morning i spent 30minutes waiting at the bank to speak to someone about investment, they were very late so i left.
Don't piss me off in the morning especially when i'm wearing Prada and on an impossible budget.


And yet more, PRIVATE

Yes, i can do reading.

"Oh, I can see you running...I can see you running
I can see you running all the way back home"

It's been a fustrating week with busy-at-work and confused homeless people who rattle on about my grey jumper, in utter fustration i scream on platform 4 "IT'S FUCKIN DIOR HOMME!!!" to the stares of the destitute.
Then a pair of velvet cord-tie pants i had my eye on at david jones, i waited 3 days to make my move, i hesitated then thought, why not.. so i go back and do the change room, it has coded locks on the doors.
So i try it on.. felt lush, looked abit too big.. cross between tracksuit pants and some forgotten Yves Saint Laurent moment . So i sat down on the wooden bench in the room to see how much rides up the leg , the proper way of making pantaloon purchases. As i sat on this beech veneer bench my buttocks and thighs just slid off the bench space resulting in me falling foward in one glorious prayer movement and there on all fours i looked up at the full-length mirror all alone in a code locked cubical.
With my dignity recorded by some hidden-camera (always wear nice underwear when you are going into the change room) i left the changeroom and was hastily approached by a young sales (client manager they call them these days) all happy and waxed-squished hair like a donkey about to have it's hey-meal. I tossed the drawstring velvet pants into his arms and with the same hand signaled it wasn't to be.
Whilst crossing busy castelreigh st i saw a woman with the latest Guccissima leather tote bag and followed her round till i got bored and headed to Priceline for some trashy purchases.

Proper topics of conversation 49388

client "it was so hard breaking up with my ex, he was so good"

me "where was he good?"

client "oh, everywhere"

me "my ex was only good in the kitchen, he barely passed for the bedroom"

client "why is that?"

me "well, he was a wonderful cook, could turn eggs into a four course meal. unfortunately couldn't deliver desert . I was left unsatisfied"

client "oh my!, my ex couldn't cook but..well..how can i say... he was very good with desert"

Anyway, i've been watching Stevie Nicks live at red rocks, over and over.. made in 1987 (?) ...geez..1987.. i think it was the year i lost my virginity to a gorgeous senior in highschool. I remember his face...hockey player...sweet lips and red cheeks, on his face... well.. i hope it's the one... anyway he'll do.

I love stevie, i grew up with her rockin' it... getting all mystical and emotional.... and those shoes.....

I went out to lunch with Eric the frenchman, we talked about a framework for the internet, about merging both realities and governence, possible united nations proposals and what to wear if we become ambassadors .... we agreed not to clash when it comes to briefcases.

And then i went home.

oh by the way, what is Mariah doing?

Sunday was so much fun at Lyns 56th birthday party. The woman looks 30 and considering all the plastic surgery she had, it's worth it! Nevermind the continuous smile and inability to frown.
We drank and drank and admired the view, her apartment is right on Rushcuttersbay, right on the water or as they say "Elizabeth bay, loop!!!"
Manage to catch up with tiffany and paul, the karate champion from chile... so exotic! and ate gorgeous tibetan food made by tenzin, amys husband and yes we both got elegantly smashed on black laquered empire chairs. At the end of the night lyn was dancing round on the velvet heartshaped sofa to Dusty springfield and amy was moving my arms like a puppet on a string (sorry Lulu) .
Amy kept going on about ice cream so we all bundled into the car, yes all of us.. 6 or more and headed to chinatown to Y2K icecream/pancakes which had the most abrupt service ever! so funny!
"CAN I NOW HAVE THE MENUS BACK!" the waitress demanded..!! hahaha... ohh and Yuiee's 20-ish white boyfriend.. who looked rather.. odd.. in cream cable knit.. kept calling me 'brother', 'yo, brother' ' right on' and asked if i went back to japan often and i said 2 years ago.. he'd never been so i explained "they speak english there, you wont have a problem getting round" .
Everyone in the car knew i'm not japanese..

mmm seaseme ice cream is very, very nice.

I'm Joan Crawford so FUCK OFF!!

I took lunch at Forbed and burton after having my hair cut by Yuji who gives one of the best head massages, i nearly fell asleep with my head tilted on the wash-basin.

I saw some rather lovely crystals , big, but i felt not quite powerful enough. A gorgeous quartz crystal necklace, beautiful. But then i got crystals already and i don't care what people say, they do give off an energy .

I had my psychic connection on thursday which was interesting. Apparently my aura is purple with gold around my head. Instantly i thought Elizabeth taylor! but then realised she's still alive.
Anyway i enjoyed my lunch at the Queen Vic. building, smoked chicken sandwiches on skewers and handmade gyoza before work in the city on thursday. Yes i'm working in the city on thursdays, can you imagine the havoc i will create, marching up the marble staircase in my heels and terrorising the perfume-boys at Myer.
"so what are the notes of this fragrance? "
"would you like a sample of our...." **with a wave of the hand and walking right past**

At Forbes and burton I had a wonderful handmade penne-twist pasta with pancetta and viniger-celery with a gin and tonic double in tall glass please!

I think tara forgot to use the mesuring cup and counted instead.

I was basically legless when i got home and nearly stepped on the neighbours cat sleeping on our drive way.

The temptation was to do a post mortem on my life thus far but i have refrained
These 12months have been quite good to me, can't complain despite the losses i have come to acknowlege and own my blessings and this is all i need to know at the end of the day.

I met up with brian today the gay irish beauty therapist. I don't know about you but i have rarely associated myself with effiminate men, this was abit of a departure.
I was a minor under-whelmed but then, lets not be too demanding and just appreciate what is infront of you.
If egg-shell is an approachable white then he was 10 shades out of contrast.

Work was ok, C. got new trash mags so we sat round reading through those. I finished the bette davis biog. and now will start on mommie dearest, joan crawford then 'i am a cat' by soseki natsume

And my folio has been accepted by Private magazine

Birthday Boy

Thursday 18/5/06

I'm thinking about a detox.

Had Long lunch with Amy at Wall cafe.

We discussed about aging and skin-health over coffee and drinks, diamond-dust dermabrasion (it's good for any age), gem stone therapy where u align sapphires, diamonds, rubies and emeralds to the chakras of the body, with a hand and foot massage.

She lost her cartier wedding ring whilst doing a body scrub.

I was in mild shock and needed a smoke.

We stopped by darlo-bar for drinks.. i had a lemonade, no, really.

I'm going to see a psychic next week, if you have any interesting questions i should ask, please feel free.

I'm so pishd i hope i can survive the weekend.
A routine long-lunch was unfolding till i invite amarni boy along to which words of "i got no money, so a coffee will do" echoed about, i overcourse heard no such thing and proceeded to have a few drinks over a very long lunch which included desert.

Then we went all over darlinghurst and paddington looking at clothes whilst doing a few pit stops along the way. A strange pub/bar with red velour and ad-hock sleaziness, if only they removed 'free drinks during footy' signs it would have had some character. It was just another pub.
Then down to Lounge for another 3 gin and tonics, i don't know.. i think i had 10 in all, 4 to start at forbes burton... Amy joined us and we hammed it up with our legendary fables, i was severely smashed because we only had G and T's with bombay sapphire! arghsdjsldj... i called deb but she wouldn't make it up our end till uber-late so i had to go.. i said darlings we have to go, tomorrow is a work day...for all of us!

i'm still pishd although slowly coming to.... oh and i have two big dinners to get through sturday and sunday.

Sunday 14/5/06

Half way there, Yesterday was a shocker. I arrive at work all fine and dandy , work all day because we're all booked then go home have snack then dinner with mum but when i got there i had to run to the city clinic at 12:30.
So on the bus with a huge red environ-friendly " i love to shop at gladesville shopping village" bag filled with needles and surface spray.
Lord.
And ofcourse the bus decides to go the long way and stop at every fuckin stop.
I eventually get there whilst running through QVB, Central plaza shopping halls.
I must have looked the crazed-weirdo-in-the-grey-jumper. So i get there and the client is waiting this short haired woman with manbeared. Oh great, 3hrs 2 machines and i know what's going to happen.
Managed to get a 20minute lunch break, screeched over to sushi-take-away "tuna, cooked"
"tuna? we have fresh"
"no, i want the cooked tinned one"
"no we have fresh only"
i mean.. it was silly so i pointed to one with an omlette wrapped in it.
I don't mind the city clinic but it's so small and cramped.
Anyway eventually it was over and i raced home got changed and tumbled into forbes and burton for dinner.
After a large gin and tonic we settled down to some very good, no.. exceptional quality food. Wow
i had the roast duck walnut salad with apples followed by roast pork belly (crackling included darling) on a bed of buttered lentils and cabbage.
It was morish i couldn't fit desert but oh.. the food! flavours clear and well balanced, effecient service, cute boys though abit dark to make it clear.. but effeciant service.
The food! my God.. if i wasn't so satanic i'd be bulemic.
I love , love, love the food at forbes and burton. Cost me an arm and two legs but it's worth it.
No, i'm worth it , god damn it.

But part of me is still trying to find a cheap, good quality place to eat. Now that's a challenge.

Work, domestics and a little drink.

Today i have to go into the city for work at 6pm, can u believe it, how ridiculous.
So to fill in the time i'll go to dendy and watch a movie , then dinner somewhere in the city, why doesn't Versace do food?
then work till 8pm and struggle home at peak hour in the freezing winters night.
I will definetly have to do forbes and burton with a double Gin and tonic tomorrow.

Andrews in tokyo and he bought me some new clothes, i gave him a budget of a thousand and he only managed to get me two shirts!!

Thursday 11/5/06

I watched Hidden today before heading into the city for 2hrs of work. It was an interesting movie about hidden camera video, hidden lives, hidden past and hidden social mistreatment.
But i found it too subtle for it's message, the insinuation of algerian community vs white french, racial malade, bitterness and fear. However it was nice to get back into dendy films.
Settled down at yama perched ontop of QVB, i quite like that place becasue it so well lit and you get huge servings. It's cafe japanese, not authentic and frankly if you want authentic then eat it in Japan.

Work was, well.. you know.
I had one of my regulars who is now going to the city because it was more convenient for him, oh well, so it wa snice to catch up and the progress is wonderful. And for some strange reason i've become involved in some scandal happening at work even though it has nothing to do with me so hopefully i've extricate dmyself with that.
I have no time to get anymore involved in petty, immature back stabbing.

i'm going to have a long lunch tomorrow.

If i was a woman, would you come inside me?

The thought kept pushing through my consciousness all day as i puffed away at wall cafe. There was a posse of emo kids, from what i overheard, overtly excited at this "cool find" so i circumcised a macanudo and blew it up.
coughs, tears and an asthma puffer jumped out of the kiddies black vinyl messenger bags
"fuck!! gotta move"
"no, no! it's the coolest spot"
"fuck!!! i can't breathe"

ROFL.. so i turned away thinking it would negate the fruity plumes away but the wind changed and blew back , right into their faces.

"can you move, your cigerette smoke is bad"

I took a deep draw contemplating creating a scene (i had just read a chapter of bette davis biog) i even contemplated moving but then i couldn't be bothered, it is public space so i turned to this gaggling of emo kids and said out loud (wasn't suppose to be, but it suddenly went quiet)
"i'm sorry"
puting on my pixie face
"but no".
And started to puff twice as hard releasing twice as much smoke, they ran inside.

Afterwards the dear bald headed owner who seems to give me strange-smily glances giggled as i apologized and thanked them for being so nice and not making a fuss
"thank you (with a wave of the hand) for being so fabulous. this is the most brilliant cafe. we need more cafes like this in sydney"

I don't know what came over me, i think bette davis has possessed me.

I love my old teal corderoy pants, they go so well with flat shoes, i never knew until today. Infact i realise how fortunatel i am, how lifes little revolutions put me in enviable positions and i, have taken it for granted. To be able to acknowlege this is in itself another circle within a circle.
These corderoy pants i bought 5 years ago and put away for they were too 'dowdy' but now seem perfect. It was meant to be, like most things in life, it was all meant to be.

i want to adopt a black baby and call him Adolf. and a chinese girl and call her Eva take them to Wall cafe and eat smoke salmon salad in my Hussien chalayan pants.

I'm dying my hair at the moment to a subtle brownish tinge.
It's been a hectic few days at work, i had one woman last night who looked as if she was about to give birth to her ovaries, rolling about, squirming in tears and letting out a squeal now and again. I just ignored her and continued my work till her hour was up.
I mean really.

And then there's the armani boy who is quite young (24), cute but too flakey . Even if it's going to be a bedder, they have to have some sort of integrity. But then young people are young.. so i just had to say "that's nice babe, i'll give u a call when i'm free" . Anyway i think i've had enough slutting around, there have been many more that i haven't blogged because they were more , routine, run of the mill.
After a while most cocks taste the same.
I've decided to be celibate for a while, having said that it may not be too long but i'll try and establish some sort of connection before hand, it had gotten to the point where words were dispensed before the pants.
It got abit empty.
Anyway, this week i do want to get into the bette davis biography, book table for mothers day (most probably Forbes and burton) and work out abit more.. more cardio.. but then the more i work out the more...aroused i become.
You can never win.


Thursday 4/may/o6

I think i'm bored again.
Had lunch at Forbes&burton, drank myself silly on gin and tonics with an interesting pasta dish. Anchovies and basil swirled into homemade pasta with a fistful of lemon juice, quite startling except for the bits of toasty crust sprinkled ontop. I guess they were trying to give the dish more texture but it wasn't necessary.
They have an interesting mix of customers, eastern suburbs matrons with a sprinkling of suit and tie set not low-key-cool as wall-cafe, not voltage-glam as the potts point crowd (pretentious is the word). It's a strange mix hovering over a question mark.
But atleast they serve good alcohol, i nearly died drinking a sauvaigon blanc at La bouvettes (whatever the shit is called) potts point with the amarni boy. It felt like it had been relieved out of a bladder.
I must remind myself to not date boys younger than me, the emptiness that comes out their new-thought patterns. Another boy i wanted to strangle.
Andrew pointed out when i was having lunch with him and joshua that i "looked like you wanted to murder him".
Young boys look nice but lack social skills and a level of intelligence which not to their fault can only come from time.

a.boy - " i love this new music, kind of machine sounds with rock sound"

me- "hmm industrial music, alternative goth"

a.boy- " and i love culture club and that whole 80's scene, would have been great to have lived through that, how was it?"

me- "yeah, it was great. thanks.


I might head to wall tomorrow and sit round and read and smoke and piss people off.

oh if i remember buy sake from this mysterious liquor store in chinatown amy was trying in vain to describe to me.