What's in your bag?

I've been immensly bored lately, haven't ventured to the cafes nor have i done any serious shopping but do i need more leather accessories?
I guess i could just blame the antartic weather or just laziness. I ate 2 bowls of pasta for lunch and just sat round in a carbo-induced state of lethargy.
I ought to clean out my wardrobe, do a stocktake to sober me up, i was thiking of buying a new laptop but i realised i have one already which i never use anymore.
Isn't that just so first world of me, i need to get a grip. Purchasing bodyshop products just doesn't do it for me anymore. On thursday i bought the new passionfruit scrub and honey conditioner only to find out whilst puting it away i already had tub of orange oil thai-body scrub and V0-bloody 5 hot oil in the linen cupboard. You can even become excessive in helping community trade.
I have my summer wardrobe ready, maybe an extra pair of jeans would be good however i may try cargo pants, the army type ones, not strictly army and not any other colour besides really-faded green.
It will be summer after all.
There's a pair i like by 'industry' but the logo is all over the pants and you know, wearing 'industry' aint something to write home about.
By the results of recent jean/pant experience i know i wont be able to fit into my 28inch waist army pants i use to slosh about in flip-flops and tight white shirt.
My life has gone up a size (or two).

I'm growing my hair long.

Anyway saturday wasn't too bad, the indian woman whom eyebrows i've permanently restructured is nearly finished, anymore and she'd look angry all the time.
One of our staff members still hasn't come back, she had a car accident apparently , so we bitched about that and ate hideously rich french pastries.

I might hit forbes and burton for lunch tomorrow actually, get back intouch with society.

I don't know about you but i've down sized my bags and such its contents. I haven't smoked (cos i haven't done the cafes much and it's winter so sitting outside has lost appeal) for weeks so i don't carry le smoking paraphinalia, shrunk my phone so now it just looks like i got a hard-on when in my pants so only thing i carry is diskman (i'm very old school) and scarf if it's cold and wallet in small shoulder bag. In summer i wont need a bag at all if i can find a new wallet that is smaller than the one i got now. The louis vuitton mini-coin/card/key pouch is cool, i guess i could do that but that means not carrying more than 2 notes and what about the organiser which i never write in?
Oh , i do need a bag to carry things after all.

I've become obsessed with 80s-90s australian trash dramas and with these rainy miserable days.

Chances and Return to eden.

However it is nice to see Sydney before year 2000.
The rows of metal coin parking meters, the sparce skyline, the sky even... there is no sky in the new Sydney.
There was a scene where a man gets out of the car dropping bottles of whiskey onto the roadside , ah the good old days.
Severe symetric-haircuts, shoulder pads, off-shoulder elastic gypsy tops but in matt-white, Jenny kee, those bloody Jenny Kee knits... like ken done on acid, like acid in general....

Why? i don't know... life is strange sometimes.

I've been chatting to my dear itallian friend sylvia lately, i miss her very much as we use to go clubbing and get pissed euro-style opposed to korean style with amy which is more sedate. Sylvia we go crazy and laugh, amy we burst into tears telling each other secrets and mumbling kim-chi receipes.

Sylvia likes brazillian cock.

So anyway i went and got my tax sorted, i paid less tax this year which means i get less back, i kind of feel dejected but then all this free time i've enjoyed lounging round cafes all day. There's always a price to pay.
The accountant was an accountant to the word, he even wore a school-blue wool vest and had this chin hair which barely skimmed his masculinity. I couldn't get horny with that guy even if i did a boxful of GBH.
However it's all done and that's one less thing to worry about.

Work has been alright, busy, not busy, busy , not busy etc... people.. hair.... needles... blunt pencils.

I'm waiting for my new dvd box sets to arrive so i can cocoon myself again , and i'm getting fat, i blame my belief that quitting smoking would be good for me.

You just get fat, it's happened before.

I went to bed rather early tonight , from what i recall 8pm as i was drifting in and out of consciousness.
Today was a very long day with3hrs doing miss perma-tan , an hour and half into the treatment consisting of polite banter and discussions about her pretty genitalia a strange smell started to waft . A sharp vintage with colourful resonance and a hint of spicy lemon preserved in a cheap glass jar.
"Oh, i'm so sorry, i think i'm having my period"

red faces all round.

Her well proportioned vulvalic doors wriggled like the nose of an overly active rabbit, dribbling some trail of sick.

"oh, *silence* i never knew periods looked like this" Innocently commented me.

And so my day was complete, i walked away feeling most overlayed with swathes of intrepidation whilst fingering my neck.
i say aloud to a staff member whos outwardly appearance could only be described as desicated.

"I think my glands are swollen"

She then hurriedly rifled through her chloe imitation handbag handing me 2 tic tacs.

I heard through the grapevine another girl had to go home because she caused such aromatic chaos after relieving wind silently.
I remember when another girl who literally exploded in the upstairs toilet. I thought L was joking until i went up there and saw the walls.
She never came back poor thing, yet she was one of the most nicest people to work with.
It's always the nicest ones.

I waited round chinatown to be picked up by my daddy, dear daddy, what would i do without your Honda?
Amongst the filth and european backpackers whos sperm infested mouths gape at the wonderment that is sydney and mainlanders shuffling round with third world affluence parking their baby strollers in the middle of the footpath causing traffic chaos.
One child is one too many .

I'm so glad i don't live in the city anymore, i can't stand these cretins.

I think fridays has become this mint tea-coffee-cranberry vodka day especially now John has all this free time, i have an explicit reason to have a drink. We plopped about at Wall then to gaslight for drinks inwhich a strange bloated-from-too-much alcohol homosexual in a cheap blue cableknit jumper put his hand on my shoulder and proclaimed "the girl at the bar is stronger than she looks" and gave sly winks whilst i drank and chatted to john.
Freak.

When tomorrows over i will be having a double anything, i've got a 3hr brazillian to do in the later half of the day with no public transport for me to get even more stressed out over.

New curtains, same old blinds.

I couldn't fit into a size 30 pair of Levi straight leg denim pants today .
And ofcourse they don't have 32 and i had to buy some other brand which by all means changed my idea of a faded denim summer to indigo.

My new american underwear arrived today, i adore wide elastic support and 100% brushed cotton despite the erratic customer service i'll buy some more later.
I also bought a mp3/video camera and old australian television programs now on dvd, same old , same old..

Last night i went out to normans 32 birthday, a family affair, infact it was very family, loud, crazy and too much alcohol. I polished off 2 bottles of red, i don't know how i did it but by the time i got home i was comatosed and woke up at 3am all fresh and ready to go.
Norman and i grew up together but when we hit 18 we grew apart even though he lives just one street away. Our familes entwined in that sentimantality that we deplore yet secretly peer through whilst running past the frames of existance.
We all have grown alot older, physically we've changed, new additions tacked on for security and then in the light of our understanding , we have never changed one bit.
Terry, Regent, winston, Ellina, Angela, Norman, Patrick...we have aged but the sunrise of our connection was still there.

"It's good to see you again" i proclaimed whilst we escaped nightshade after nightshade, these visions of our lives hauntingly familiar tugging at gossamer threads, invisble yet visible, fading and enchanting. My history, my life all that i have been trying to float away from.

All there.

Today i headed out to forbes and burton , try and get a grip of my own journey, i was quite shaken by what i had try to leave behind.

Gin and tonic, double in a tall glass thank you.

John joined me after the gym, then we headed to latteria to pose and be seen, a little boy was racing his tricycle along victoria street with an adult helmet on.
Joined by Nick and finally i got those two to meet.
We headed to darlo-bar for more drinks and amy joined us and the night was building to a crecendo, i sat back wobbling about after 2 vodkas, amy turned on her amy-ness and us gay-boys got our entertainment.
Drinks! darlings drinks!

I think i managed to get nick and john together, im much too old to take advantage of those two, i feel like a dirty-old man even the opportunity was always there but, friends last longer than one-night-fucks.

Me and my beautiful boys!

But this history i'm re-writing seems to lead me closer and closer to the history i had in the first place.

These shaken leaves are but flames on a well-known tree.

I've been lost in the vortex of EBAY and this, my space which i have yet to understand. Is it the new wave of hopeful-celebritism? I find it quite exposing and daunting to have so much of yourself up online, to think years ago 'blogging' was actually my divulging but now, i've become less interested in exposing myself.
Maybe it's age.

So anyway i went out to Moore park to look at curtains and ended up buying an electronic wine chiller.

Came home, cleaned blah blah, my life has been abit boring.

However i am excited 1) Pete is arriving in syd. in september 2) my new underpants ought to arrive in a week or so and it is so much cheaper buying from the united states. 3) nick is getting a mulberry bag , it's so big i could fit in it so i'd like to try when it arrives.

Please explain?

I;m having problems with my underwear, basically i need more support and less "movement".
Recently i had an embarrassing moment standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross a busy highway when my penis decided to get active. I had boxers on underneath a pair of relaxed pair of pants which meant well, there was no control and i had to run and sit down somewhere to let it pass.
Male version of a period cramp.
Boxers are great to wear round the house in summer.
I have a ton of underwear, mainly those tiny low-rise things and bikini-cut from the good-whore-days, but now with er, age i'm finding i need comfort more than seduction besides they can't seem to hold everything in anymore, it just spills out or pubic hair gets stuck in the elastic, eeeck!!.
This pair looked weird although i'm tempted to get this with it's 'butt-enhancing' pad but i don't want any embarrassing encounters.
Basically i've spent all night searching for a good pair of underpants that hold everything in place and keep it there.

So i just got back on the packed train on a sunday afternoon very pissed, to the point wher ei mistaken an emo teeneage girl for a guy. It's an easy mistake to make.

I went over to amys for late lunch to visit her lovely new pad in east-redfern "EAST, NOT THE NORMAL RED-FERRRRN" she screams down the phone.
Anyway after trekking up the main street i find it, it's nice, minimalist with big metal sliding shutters and intergrated living and kitchen area.
After gettin the vibe and opening all her cabinets i realise she has everything and i really don't know what to get her.
She even has Gucci cutlery.
So anyway after several bottles of white we settled down to some wonderful tibetean fried ricae and tempura she made fresh, the secrets in the iced-batter. It was fabulous.
Several glasses of white after we were kind of smashed, Amy fell asleep on the outdoor setting and i kept laughing at Lynn and her stories and tenzin sang to vintage micheal jackson.
"So, do you think he's a paedophile?" and we all ummed and ahhed before answering.. hahaha.
Dark chocoLAte and some more drinks and basically amy passed out so we headed home, me flapping about with flatheel converse i bought when i was going through the "street" phase, to get back to the roots, get real like J-lo but ended up sounding like a duck .

Lynes buying her a special rubbish bin.. hahaha.. i have to get my act together, something to go with their gorgeous and i mean GORGEOUS mongolian side table.

i got the flu again! ergh, so i'm abit low but loaded up with pseudopherine so i'm walking round like an egyptian.

Work has been hectic but that's ok, met up with eric the frenchman on thursday and we talked about fabulous united nations things and abit of bondage thrown in. His accent is to die for... to die for.
Then i popped into wall cafe for a quick coffee and skipped over to townhall for work stopping by kino. for a thick magazine purchase.

It's Tuesday night! work has been hectic lately and i've been going round looking for a housewarming gift for amy. I couldn't decide whether the blue or green Versace fruit bowl, Vera wang tea set or Louis vuitton picnic rug. So anyway i'm going over to amys this sunday for drinks and will decide which would fit in her new apt. If she's all for colour and using some woven palm leaf basket as a fruit bowl then i know what to get. They had a gorgeous white porcelin versace bowl with a raised medusa head on the bottom so u could see it through the soup!! fantastic!
But i already gave them cut-crystal for their wedding, it was a er.. bowl.. so i guess you can have too many ....bowls.

A george jensen thermos?

However i did find a fabulous etched glass carafe and huge hurricane lamp on sale and bought those for myself for when there's a hurricane or i could sit infront of a fan with a glass of red.

Lately i've been having disturbing dreams about myself in dramatic situations.

And i haven't had sex in ages and it's showing in my loss-of-zen when i encounter stupid obese people in the city walking in groups staring up at buildings.
STARE A LITTLE LONGER AND YOU MIGHT EAT A PIDGEON!!

Just aswell sex has quieten down though as my hamerroids have flared up, there i was so bored, trying to push part of my rectum back in only for it to pop back out like a jack in a box!
Oh well, i'll just have to wait till it settles down.

However, i will be having lunch with the delightful Eric the frenchman on thursday.

Maybe i need to not want what i haven't got.
Maybe alot of things.
I went over to Jamies before the meowmeow performance tonight, he cooked a delightful ginger/garlic oyster mushroom snow pea dish with rice. His place is 50's retro in a slightly niave way but cute never the less, his cat was fantastic though, a fat tabby with stripes across her body like shadows from swinging window blinds in spring.
It was an odd scene, there i was reading the newspaper throwing glass after glass of a semillon blanc which was slightly sticky and he, cooking away in the kitchen.
Sometimes i think he is trying to say something other than what he is actually saying.
This abstraction is confusing, i think we're confused.
But i do like his company i just miss having a more intense physical connection with someone, a gentle kiss on the lips "hello" and "goodbye" doesn't seem to go anywhere but i'm worried he might panic or runaway if i push for more.
I just want more.

There is the option of not doing anything, going along with no desire of diving further.

The emptiness drives me insane.

If anything i'm discovering new parts of me, conflicting, vunerable, merciless.

I try to look into his eyes, beyond what is present through to reflections of his heart but i can't see beyond the gentle kiss goodbye.

The performance by MeowMeow was quite good, however her intensity sometimes confused ones reaction, audience participation was rife and frightening, her diamnte bracelet fell onto my lap and she quipped "give that back soon, i don't trust you!"
Her more serious moments were breath-taking, the audience was caught inside her gaze and emotive cage, she was best when she took off her comic disguise.

I had lunch with Jamie, we met up again for lunch but this time i was protected by the belief that i am, no ones.
We talked about what has or has not happened during the week, i sensed a degree of fustration on his behalf, i was preoccupied by cigarettes (found at the back of a drawer) and staring into the distance.
"They're all the same, all the same....."
We had the lunch and like nothing had interrupted the time which slipped through our upturned eyelashes.
And then saturday came up.
He asked if i worked on saturday, he well knew i did, i proceeded to map out my itenerary, straight from work i will go to the QVB for some food (and bottle of Sake) then organise my self into opera-mode (change of outfit in the bathrooms there because they sooo pretty and have full length mirror) and jetisen down the opera house at 7, "meet you there."

"oh but i thought you could come round to my place, have a rest and i can cook dinner then go down to the performance"

You know when you fuck up when all of a sudden the illicit program you so comprehensively devised becomes a huge fuckin' X

fuck fuck fuck, i sooo fucked up.

However he did add, if i changed my mind i could text/call him during saturday.

"Dreams unwind, love is a state of mind"

I didn't show anything that would suggest aprehension he just smelt it through the plumes of my disguise.

Weekend was quiet, i got my crystal bits and been stringing them up for summer-neck-accesories, work was the usual, i had the moaner on saturday, she was quite vocal and i was feeling abit hung over so, it was a struggle.
Today i just cleaned my room and repotted some plants, all of my lily collection are gone, bleh, cost me a bit too but oh well but those stinky jonquils are popping up everywhere. Just took it easy, i've just been feeling low lately.
No news at all from Jamie, oh well, if i don't hear from him at all this week then i'll just not turn up at the opera house performance, i'm too old for pointless-ness and disappearing acts. Got dinner with Amy and fergus on friday night so that'll be fun and got to get back into the scene again, coffee, books,cigarillos and looking fantastic in skinny pants you know the deal.

I had a wonderful conversation with one of my indian clients on saturday, she lived in kenya for 10years and told me this recipe for henna hair dye. I love it when she wears her sari into the clinic. She just got her licence and i said 'revethi, you should race people at traffic lights" she just giggled.

I thought lunch mid-late week would be ideal to keep the momentem if not reciprocate after sunday night but he txt back "can't do, busy week"
So i was left in that peculiar space of cinematic confusion.
May be he did freak out on sunday, so much was optioned yet it was too early?

At this moment i would be happy to just be by myself again and not have any options and relegate him to the bottom of the priority list (and go drinking with boxen) . But i have that pre-booked modern opera performance next saturday with him which was suppose to be romantic, well i'd hope so anyway by romance out of modern screeching opera? i don't know.

I feel as though i'm making the same mistake again, emotionally, and i have to break this chain (i'm feeling a fleetwood mac moment here). It was written in my hororscope this week, that i must try and break a familiar pattern so i can, move to my next incarnation. So what does one do?
Be emotionally guarded till....when? or leave the doors of our deepest heart flung open with vast abandon?

You can have too much Stevie nicks.

I went out drinking with John this afternoon, down at 3weeds pub which will become my new favourite haunt.
Pub in the old style with cushy-seats, deco-mood lighting, tables the size of one-plank and friendly bar-people who speak in thick welsh accents .
They have ashtrays on everytable, God bless'em.
It's small and hidden eventhough it's on the main street.
John is a dear young friend (you know you're old when one has 'young-friends') who has just finished his doctorate thesis thingy in science and is only 24. It's been several months since we caught up so it was good to finally do so in the chilled surrounds of an old'yer pub. The drinks cheap ($5) so i knocked a few vodka and cranberries before we headed to that heathen, Lounge.

We talked some more but honestly we were thankful for the bangers and mash dinner and vodka cranberry (absolut). You see, i'm trying to curb my alcohol intake by restricting myself to one type of drink, how many is inconsequential.
It is hard to talk about the same things, to relate and opinionate on topics which we have vast experiences on. Or as john put it "but you have that much more experience"
Never the less the trip ride home was fun, the indian taxi driver kept burping all the way home.

We didn't go watching the kubric movie instead we had drinks and talked alot at gaslight then down to 3 weeds pub where he tried to say something but it didn't come out right, "i'm really glad we met" and i for a split second hesitated, a glimmer in the wash that is my eye, i hesitated and i think the world heard a perforated tide crash in.
I agreed and we had another drink.
Earlier on we headed to piccolo cafe for abit to eat, it was the usual politically incorrect comments left right and center, he seemd to enjoy the atmosphere and wanted to stay forever.
We share very similar life histories, we at times finish each others sentences, it may be, too much for him to digest.
Or maybe it's me, most probably it's both of us.

I'm about to go out to the pictures with Jamie, i've resisted seeing him during the week as i'm getting abit nervous about the direction of our relationship. Plus the fact i was down with the flu but that's another matter.

This has been the longest relationship so far (touching, kissing allowed) without having sex with the person and i'm finding it a whole new experience. I feel slightly vunerable, am i not communicating my affections enough to him? am i being frigid (from past experiences i don't think so) will i lose him to someone else who's more affronting?
The attraction is there and i have expressed so be it in a clumsy manner and do have the desire to sexually explore his long , toned body, he's blonde too (bonus points!! ding ding!!)
He suggested some 'pub' places for lunch which i'm sure would be fine , be it in paddington, but i abruptly suggested otherwise. I realised for the past few times, well everytime i've been the one who suggested, if not,, decided where we would meet up. I apologised for being so demanding, he seems to go along with most things, but we all have a certain quantity that wants to be heard and i don't want to be overbearing or a reason for regret.
So, the movie we're seeing , being kubric or something was his choice, i bit my tongue when i thought "omg this is boring" , who knows i may even enjoy it, i enjoyed lost in translation and that was something i wasn't looking forward to seeing.
It is this need to control the outcome of a situation, the need to pre-arrange incidents inorder to get away unscathed that has been my trademark of my exisitance but this time i want to change .

This flu bug is strong, well i went out today to see yuji about my hair, he fixed it and it seemed such a lovely day so i head over to wall after for coffee and smoke. I guess it isint good to smoke when u have blocked sinuses cos by the time i got home i could feel my brain scraping the inside of my skull. It was horrible and just now i held my nose and blew hard which popped my ears and now i have fluid draining down my nasal passage into my throat, it's gross but my head feels better and i took some antihistimines just because, i mean when else are u going to take them and now i feel all fuzzy with the physical pressence of an amoeba.
I remember once i took so many antihistimins at work i was doing a million things at once and freaked one of the girls out, she burst into tears when i tried to file a card, answer phone and wrap an ice pack at the same time.

Oh, i think it's time to revisit that scenario, these sudafeds are about to expire.

I got hit with the flu this week, well it's not that bad except for blocked sinuses and feeling all weak and vunerable. It's been so grey i could easily just collapse in the street and pretend i'm a modern Jane bloody eyre .
So besides sleeping and walking round like a zombie not much has happened, i've managed to pay Andrew back for the clothes he got me on credit in tokyo and paid for some crystal pieces which i will be wearing for summer.
My message for summer is, glamorous-new-age-chic.
So depending on my psychic energy for the day , i will wear a corresponding crystal necklace, eg rose-quartz if i'm feeling friendly, amethyst for serious aura prescence, clear-quartz for clarity ot black onyx for uber-attitude.
I'm trying not to be seduced by this new 'craft' phenomenon that has hit Australia, bead shops are opening everywhere and housewives have thrown their knitting needles and macrame sets away for glue guns, toggles and 8mm metal loops.
It's a craze!
But i did crystal necklaces before shell-chips were the ornament of surfy boys, gorgeous surfy boys.

Anyway, hopefully i will be fine for sunday so i can catch up with Jamie again, we've been keeping intouch alot, i mean, i try not to think too much about it, enjoy each moment not thinking too far ahead or it will just get me all nervous.
He's a nice guy (as far as i know) gentler and funny, quirky.