It's been quite hectic lately with work picking up and schedualed lunches. My world has inverted itself like a succulent mango in summertime.
Watched Aeon flux, that action/sci-fi movie with message of 'don't clone or you might gets something spooky back with you" but all this enfant-aqua amongst jittery pixelism. I enjoyed watching Charlieze theron crack several masculine necks with her svelte thighs, backflipped and ran through exploding walls with perfect moving hair. It was all about the hair.
Work has been, and who is one to argue having been doing being. Client H. who's going to brazil in a few weeks time explained to me what a 'bunda' is

h- yer.. so in brazil ..the women.. they're built differently

me- hmm... they have two heads?

h- nah mate.. they got bunda

me- yer, that's great... how are u going with the pain?

h- it's alright mate, dunno what this foot tapping shit's about..can't stop...

me- it's just your body trying to divert pain messages, perfectly normal.

.......

me- bunda?

h- yer...

me-bunda?

h-yer..

me- bunda?

h- yer..mate...

me- bunda? is that like gucci but from south america?

h- what? gooffey? he's american aint he?

me- bunda.

h- oh yer.. nice... big round bundas..

me- breasts?

h- nah mate, arse. beautiful arse.

me- oh.

silence.

h- yer.......

me - well you know nothing like some poop shoot action.
Ok, times up.

I bought a fabulous pair of black jeans, not too fitting, just slim-enough cut to suggest rocker but not so thin it screams chicken-legs.

And i adore WWD SCOOP , it's the 'retail' branch of Womens Wear Daily with its pictures of sofia coppola and marc jacobs boogie-woogie-ing, fat and old and sweating. Gorgeous Kate moss as a hologram at Alexander mcqueens latest collection. Also i'm obsessing 'CRASH' magazine, fashion in a portable but dignified format with fantastic interviews with heidi silmane and veronique barinquo in french!!!
Can't read the shit but who cares when it's the size of a local phone directory but in high gloss poster-paper.
Had lunch at burton and forbes, fresh sea scallops on a bed of gently braised cabbage with wild mustard seeds. So, delicate and sweet, one could have my tastebuds arrested for lewd conduct.

GOATS CHEESE is my new food and i'm getting intouch with my spiritual side, i'm wearing amathyst and aligning myself with the mystic jews, more hasidic orthodox than hollywood kaballa.

It's all about the hat, the hair and the gorgeous coat.

In the myth, Psyche is a beautiful princess of whom the goddess Venus is jealous. In her rage she orders her son cupid to make Psyche fall in love with a monster, but Cupid falls in love with her himself.
After several trials Cupid and Psyche make their plea to the gods who turn Psyche into an immortal and allow them to be married in heaven.

Flotis detox.

Exercise - Clean room plus vaccum.

Food - Custard tarts and Lady grey tea.

Meditation - Lounging in relaxed clothing with Men's non+no and British Vogue.

Indulge - Chocolate peanut clusters.

Rehydrate - Several glasses of chilled Evian whilst listening to Edith piaf.

Bath - WildOat milk bath.

I don't want what i haven't got except for another glass of vodka.


I finally found where fergus lives, it's this street with a train line through the middle of it. If only someone told me it was right next to woolomolloo wharf then it would have been so much easier.
So we got there when the party was in full swing glasses of champagne came fast and when that ran out.. triple vodka cranberry things and martinis and cosmopolitans and things... it was fabulous.
We talked, we threw our heads back in laughter and introduced ourselves to each other.
Amy came over later and thats when the vodka shots started. No one told me to use shot glasses so i just used the normal drinking glasses.
You know what's weird, i don't get drunk with vodka, i mean i do feel abit of an effect but i wasn't plastered or running to the bathroom every 5 minutes unlike one dear uni-girly who was in the bathroom from 3pm till 10pm.. poor thing. Bet she lost a few kilos.
It was a lovely night filled with interesting people, one guy kept touching my arms saying how smooth they were, abit creepy.
but then, touch all you want darlings just pour me another vodka.

Have a look at MIU MIU new campaign, musings of MiuMiu prada and lots of strange photos of Kim bassinger.

And PRADA for their short film by Ridley scott whos daughter (????) is the muse and model.

It's becoming more than the thinking persons couture.

This scottish guy thing seems to have opened up a box of emotions which i never thought i would find myself experiencing.
He did say he wasn't after anything serious...friendship/fun casual-lifestyle appropriate relationship.
So i thought, well why not, everyone else is doing it and maybe the clinical dispensing of relationship catagories have been the reason why i've been single for 2 fucken years.
Single as in having relationship for more than three months. By that time you ought to have sussed each others embarrassing habits and organised some sort of schedual together in a gorgeous louis vuitton goat skin diary.
So i thought i could be ruthless, plutonic, non-emotive in my friendship and physical interaction but for some weird reason i can't treat another human being as an object for sex and 'friendship'.
They have to be exclusive.
Although i had a giggle at my 'sexual encounter' with the scotsman i actually felt very empty inside because i didn't feel anything for him when we had sex or even when we kissed. It seemed like we were in some movie sequence where both actors are nervous and put on their acting faces, part themselves part another.
I realised i can't do 'casual-relationships' where you actually talk to them and share laughs and care about them then have sex with them without having any emotive attachment or scruples.
It's not a question of what is wrong or right but what the individual values and respecting that fact.
I'm better off single and not puting out any emotions.

I know it hasn't been that long since the last post but i'm feeling abit charitable.

The week has been abit of a blur with that date on wednesday with a scottish guy who i met again on saturday night after work for dinner and drinks.
One thing that did annoy me was the fact he wore flip-flops after 4pm which he had to change for later because you cannot go into a bar with open toe shoes (so they say). I forgave his faux-pas purely on the fact he is scottish.
So dinner was nice, thai, then drinks at newtown hotel. The place was busy with an ecclectic mix of patrons. One would like to express bohemian and hippie chic but honestly it was... over 40s drug-dried couples and fattys and arty-angsty-gay types.
The ripped vinyl sofa is not vintage.
So we slid down onto the back area next to this art student boy who was sketching squiggly shit with a biro and his folio bag strewn on the floor.
Now as you know, i'm one for art and it's postering, infact i once called myself an artist and still do so at certain occasions however you do not take your folio to a pub on a saturday night sit in a corner and squiggle highschool-pentip drawings!!!!

Get out of my way!!!!

We bitched and giggled, the drag act on stage....

date- he's only miming

me- it's a drag act, they mime.

date- that's so boring, in glasgow they sing

me- well welcome to oz, that toto don't sing!!

My mobile phone kept slipping out and i knocked a fat girls glass of wine, hey!! she was in my way .
Can't stand fat girls who wear rice-paper thin tops hanging round gay pubs complaining they can't find a decent man in sydney.

They ought to be persecuted by an army of Karl largerfelds !!!!

Anyway, so the evening was down the hatch a couple of beers , poor boy had to work 6am in the morning and tim and andrew were beeping me to go over at 11:30 for yet more drinks. i was pissed at 11pm and had to make a swift move back to his place if i was to get any action.
Hell i didn't spend all of my saturday evening without even a shag God damn it.

So... with jazz music on .. and getting close on the squishy sofa we got into it.
In the midst of kissing, biting, scratching and being 'oh so savage' i got to the part where i take off his underpants.
Clean white calvins....nice... rather large folded bulge... keep it coming... and then when i slid his underpants off there was
a piece of folded tissue stuck to his left testical.

Hm.

I'm trying not to laugh or look or make a big deal of it.. so i take my underpants off and climb ontop of him and with one flick of the wrist (one of many that night) the tissue came off so proceeded the act of coitus etc.
He was big in a wide way and seemed quite adept at using his mouth and tongue in the right places. All in all it went well except he couldn't hold it for too long, as you know i prefer to have sex for atleast 2hrs, he just couldn't wait and expelled his semen.
It ended right on 11:30 !!! i was just warming up.
He cuddled me and was all.. i don't know.. u know.. he had this weird look in his eyes.. like his eyes were glazed with blackberry sauce..i don't know. He put on this weird happy/love song stuff on .
I couldn't help wonder why he had a tissue in his underpants.
Maybe i'm just shallow and lack any sensitive emotional stuff or that i'm just a first rate bitch.

The latter in Prada shades
.
So went over to andrews, met up with an assortment of strange people drank some more and somehow did latteria today but with big sunglasses and saying very little.

Pointilise update.

- Spent way too much money on a pair of sunglasses.

- Had delicious pesto omlette tomato rocket sandwich.

- Drank 4 beers without smoking or collapsing.

- Controlled my alcohol intake.

- Turned down booty-call from something quite delicious in the middle of fresh mint tea.

- Got hard whilst kissing a scottish guy but remained a gentleman and not proceed with lingering fellatio or rapid coitus.

- Trying to come up with an outfit to wear to daddys hospital admission day and what to wear visiting and when he leaves.

- Will buy something japanese at 'Tokyo city'

- Seriously considering buying a decent book (more than say 100 pages) and making time to read it.

- Seriously considering cooking food and making time to find a cookbook.

- Seriously considering being serious.

- Remember to moisterise feet because you never know.

My daddy has to go to hospital next week to have his prostate reduced, or something like that. So today we went out to this tiny hospital in strathfield.

me- can't you do the operation closer to where we live?
doctor- "umm..no..i work at that hospital
me- you know i've never been that far west
doctor- i'm sure you will be fine, you can catch a taxi there..
dad - can my son visit me?
doctor - yes
me - all the way out in strathfield???

and the room fell silent.

Anyway, we decided to go a week early to fill in the paper work etc so when he does go in, it'll be easier.
So after running up and down several train platforms (what a stupid , stupid idea to do the train system, i don't know what got over me)

"does this train go to strathfield? it says on the map thing.. why doesn't it go there, where the hell does it go? oh it goes past strathfield!!!"

sometimes i just wonder.

We got there, the nurse clicks on the computer.." your records have been transfered over, just give us a call the day before to confirm admission time"

Mum- "we've ordered a private room, we don't do sharing"

It's amazing what that woman gets away with i swear!

All the way out there and it took only 5minutes for it to be over.

On the way out dad asks the valet if he can park his car for 3 days inside the carpark.
He says sure and i'm going..but dad you will still be tired from the anesthetic
dad- it means i will drive slower.

On the way back a little chinese girl was climbing down the stairs in the train with her mother, she must have missed a step and fell on the landing (3 steps) and made this muffled thud sound, the kid gets up looks confused and i burst out laughing.
i couldn't stop giggling all the way home.

i dunno.. sometimes.. i really dunno.

i left work early today out of abject boredom plus an unsettling head ache from inhaling bleach whilst mopping the floors.

Yes, unglamourous side to my work is..mopping floors and vacuuming dead cockroachs off the carpet.
I had no clients today so it was chores which no one ever does except me because i can't stand mess and untidiness.

So i did all that but still had hours to spare, even purchased 'HELLO' magazine and spent some time flipping through the celebrity photos. Called some clients who never booked but had initial consultation, all of them said no, obviously but we just go through the motions .....

I was so bored , irritated and bored again.

So with a rabbit casarole from next door (elizabeth made it just for moi!) and a copy of 'HELLO' magazine i head home an hour early. I've done all i can and frankly i don't give a rats arse.

Saturday looks busy however so i guess that compensates.

by the way, i can't believe i tossed $130. into the wind today.

phone card $30, vitamin e oil and blotting tissues $15.90, cigarillos $45, HELLO! magazine $6.95, three books at kinokuniya$12 (they were small books), gorgeous tuna cakes and ceasar salad, peppermint tea $23 ..and i wasn't actually buying anything special.

This is ridiculous and must stop.

Haircut day... yay... yuji made pieces out of my hair..long bits bit thinned out so i look kinda more slick.
He's working at a salon stone throws from Versace ! woo hoo...
Went up to QVB for Udon lunch and then lured into this place, THANN by it's impressive decore. Lots of earthy brown and greens, rural thai village with a modern bent. Carmellena served me with her austrian accent "iz never uzed zis product before, but zat doezn't mean you can't"
what a brilliant line!!
i actually need a moisterisier but end up with an orange and nutmeg body scrub.

Searched for new sunglasses, thought i could do 'cheap' but ended up very disappointed. Looks like i'll have to do designer brand .

i came home early, should have stayed out but it's humid and had shredded hair all over my face... i just wanted to get home but now that i'm here..exceptionally bored.

Went to sleep.

Cleaned Gucci mini-messenger bag.
Going to do wall tomorrow, the Gucci bag will be my new le smoking bag.
Trying to snap out of this inconspicous-lux concept.

Made random phone calls.

Listening to alot of Courtney Love.... i don't know what's going on... but according to Marc jacobs...grunge is back.

I think something big is going to happen soon, that's why i'm so restless... i just hope i will have some decent underwear on when it does. Which reminds me... i have to buy some new underwear because the size 10-14yrs don't fit me anymore.
Felt really sad that my waist line is no longer pubecent but post teen.

Time can be cruel.

I'm so bored.
I now understand the utter fustration Pete must have felt sitting round doing nothing at work .

I was so bored today i polished the steel door knobs in every cubical.

I was so bored at home i installed a wireless A.V thing so i can watch television in my room without having to connect a cable only to realise there is absolutely nothing interesting on television.

I was so bored i was loitering round Knots pine furniture

"can i help you?"
"er... hi.. no.. i'm just looking ...at these...er.. wooden .. things"

**both with blank stares**

I point to something.

"it's a bedside table"

"that's great, so you can eat at the side of your bed"

**salesman walks away*

Told a woman she had hair coming out of her nostrils but we can't do electrolysis on her anyway.

"i just thought you ought to know, out of concern" i said.

We had to take dad to the urologist today, his waterworks has been playing up so needed the 'specialist' to examine his prostate.
As he was walking up to meet us in the main street he phoned to tell me...he was about to be on the main street.

"dad, i said wait at the cafe opposite"
"your phone working now?"
"yes but i still want to get a new one. Anyway what did the doctor say?"
"he put finger up my bum"
"yes, i know dad"
"no, all the way in...like how you do it"
"what, dad, i ...er... no. The doctor was examining your prostate for medical reasons"
"it felt funny"

At this moment i was squirming as i hastily flipped through quasi-japanese clothing at yoshi jones with my mother who was quite taken by the lamps.

"these look nice, do you need a lamp?"
"no, mum... i don't"
"then forget it."

There was this peculiar aroma wafting through the shop like burnt vanilla bean and wet fresias ontop of black toffee and smoky-bacon.
My mother is wincing as the smell got stronger ,
"but mum this is the new incense, it creates a mood, takes you away to foreign market places.... lunchtime along the Nile, cinnamon tea in marakesh..."
she wasn't amused.
As we approach the doorway she says in an exact non-excitable voice to the salewoman
"you DO realize your candle isn't suppose to burn like that"
The woman turns round and gasps
"i think it's on fire!"
runs over and pears over...
"omg the wicks all burnt out, its on fire!"
Grabs hold of the glass tumbler containing the burning candle
"fuck!! it's hot"
Another saleswoman runs out with a fire extinguisher and blasts the candle spraying the window display area with foam.

Then it went silent so we left.

I met up with Amy this sunday, it was suppose to be a light brunch and cafe society but ended up at Burton on Forbes with a bottle of white and some sliced vegetable sky scraper. We had alot of catching up to do, new news, old news and news that could become more than just news.
Amy was dressed in yoga gear with her 2meter wide rolled up yoga mat which she slung gingerly over her shoulders. I was in a peculiar blue plaid shirt and sloppy jeans with jet-black crystal cross hinting at brokeback/depeche mode, well i hope so. We drank and drank.... Brendan came over and had a chat with us, he owns Burton on Forbes so we had a hoot and a squealer recounting the days we would go into class after drinks at the pub opposite waxing some poor girls brazillian.
"i got hot wax all over her orifice...nearly gave her an instant clitorectomy!!" **hoots and hollars as we slosh about on our polished pine chairs**
Looking back, i think we disgraced ourselves.
As Amy was coming out of the bathroom with her yoga gear she got stuck between the doorway and yelled out for me so i stride over to help her giggling away at her peculiar position. I grabbed the yoga mat and strung it over me and escorted her back holding her hand. Half way along the row of chairs Andrew comes in so i turn round to say hello.
This friendly exchange resulted in me swinging the yoga mat round smacking the back of a mans head to which i apologised and spun round the counter direction which resulted in the yoga mat hitting a coiffured lady-who-lunches , Amy panics and runs off but "tipsy" in her jimmy chos slipping over a step away from her chair and me trying to steady myself as i went along the line smacking the backs of peoples heads and apologising.
We broke down in glamourous hysterics
"omg u hit all those people!!! we are so sorry"
"omg your jimmy chos!! are they ok?"
Amy had spilt the contents of her bag all over the resteraunt floor, bottle of evian, dolce gabbana sunglasses et case which was huge! make up, purse "where's my louis vuitton?" , mobile phone etc... the wait-staff were lovely and helped gather all her strewn belongings.
Andrew and john joined us looking abit embarressed but managed to steady our frivolity thus we settled down.
There were quite alot of "gay-lebrities" there... we sat in the middle so our antics could not be missed, oh how i wished pete could have been there, he would sit there with his sunglasses and big hair watching ....
But this was not to be so we left 2 hrs later and over to Latteria, we sat round, posed, and waited for Fergus to turn up.
Fergus is the one to know if you want to get into the parties.

After some chit chat we nearly made it into Morgans
"sorry we close at 3pm"
"it's 10minutes to.. we just want a drink"
and the boy shut the door on us!!
Fergus - "i use to work here, fuck i owned this place "
the boy opposite the glass door mouthed " y o u-d o n 't-a n y m o r e"
LOL!!
classic.
So this haggard bunch plopped itself at bourbon, yes i know.. it's trashy - you get this beeper thing that looks like a cattle prod, when your steak is ready it buzzes.
What the fuck?????
Anyway we polished off a few more bottles.

Now at this juncture i must remind myself i actually had a family dinner on that night. It just conveniently slipped my mind so after puting amy in a taxi with her yoga mat (she was suppose to go to yoga at 5pm but , er... she was smashed at 5pm) and i slipped home only to feel the full effects of what a few bottles of white can do.

I spent the night throwing up, 5 times, i threw up 5 bloody times.
The last part was the worst with this watery bitter fluid coming out, it was the most disgusting thing i've thrown up. And why is it when you're smashed u want to poop?
it really is not a convenient time to want to have a motion when your head is halfway down a toilet ejecting parts of your doudenum.
Lulled about like a sheeps bladder on a stick all night only till 6am this morning did it all pass.
Fergus has invited us to drinks on his yacht and his apartment
"hey, plenty of free drinks, just dress sexy, both of you"
i doubt that will become an enticing thing for me anymore but i wouldn't mind doing sexy.

Met up with S. today, i've heard she was going through another 'i'm quitting' moment so i thought i ought to catch up with her.

I forgot which floor she worked on, ended up climbing up and down sandstone firestairs through several levels till i finally found it. She had lost weight, so has L. who has been "sick".
L. and i never got along, he first struck me as lacking in fluidity and was as eloquent as a sliced pineapple. Later on in our encounters around the club and bar set i was pleasantly surprised, i was indeed correct.
However i mustn't let my disdain get in the way of my professionalism so i offered some measured praise,
"well, atleast you've finally lost some of that, weight"
I just smiled and showed polite concern.
S. and i trained together and worked during torrid times, she was the one who would always make my life difficult by pointing out my failures, i look back now in gratitude for it was her scrutiny that has, made me unblemished by the powers that be. They tried to slip me over with a snap cubicle/room clean according to OHNS guidelines', without notes.
I just did it whilst talking about wholesome country recipe's.
That is why S. and i have a great working relationship even though we don't work together anymore.

We had lunch and talked, well she did and i listened per usual. I don't mind, it's all part of going somewhere.

When does drama cease to be after all the house lights have faded?

Wall was quiet, grabbed guava granita then smoked and stared at lime green leaves, grey blue rooftop apartments and the Cat power dvd i bought.
It features 2 hrs of cat power singing in the country side, just her and the guitar and that voice which bellows forlorn emptiness, it's so powerful yet delivered in rebellious-subtlety. It would be amazing to see her live in such a setting.
unfortunately she has canceled her U.S '06 tour, get well soon Chan!

Geez, like i know the woman..... like i know anybody.....

I can't emphasize enough the brilliance of C., it certainly out does brokeback.
I sat in front of the television for over an hour, captivated, unmoved.
This is what happens when a level of acting ability illuminates mastered directing, i'm just amazed by it.

Before my afternoon movie, i was out at the AGNSW for lunch, slice of blueberry almond cake amongst the elderly and school kids. I felt out of place, a minion amongst slaves however the day passed quick.
They have hidden the van goh in a corner of the gallery, tracey moffat is on display again and art express is on.
Whilst listening to cat power i was enveloped amongst 10ft aboriginal paintings every colour pattern swimming around me.
Pausing at petit-severe japanese lacquer ornaments, miniature incense boxes and palm sized calligraphy boxes.
A woman snuck up beside me and whispered "exquisite, aren't they?"
i could barely exhale .

The greatest - Cat Power.

Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind of waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
Stars of night turned deep to dust

Melt me down
Into big black armour
Leave no trace of grace
Just in your honour
Lower me down
To culprit south
Make 'em wash a space in town
For the lead
And the dregs of my bed
I've been sleepin'
Lower me down
Pin me in
Secure the grounds
For the later parade

Once I wanted to be the greatest
Two fists of solid rock
With brains that could explain
Any feeling

Lower me down
Pin me in
Secure the grounds
For the lead
And the dregs of my bed
I've been sleepin'
For the later parade

Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind of waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
Stars of night turned deep to dust.

I had the most belligerent day with clients who made crap seem like enticing bottles of mini-moets.
6 fucken hours and then some NONG!!! comes in and wants me to stare at his arse crack and balls
"but not the pubic hair, just the stuff round it..i got this rash like.. caught it off somewhere.."
FUCKKKENDBSDJBFAOSIHHDLAKNSDBAS,MDJB...
"yer it might smell cos i just had a run"

KAKA!!

So there i was trying to make sense of this pasty white dudes hairy arse crack and looking serious whilst listening to his sob story of how his "rash" was ruining his life.
FUCKURMOTHERSASHATPILE!!!

told him to call us when he's ready, it was way past 6pm and i aint doing freebies anymore.

There's someone else avail. for that... hello!! But i've become the one who does "difficult" areas...when did that happen?????
"dude, i seen more pussy than a sailors cock".

fuck i hate my life.

But anyway he had a huge veiny cock, almost as big as Petes whopper-donger, you be shitting victorian furninture after a night with Pete.

Hi deb.

When a seal is removed there is very little chance the contents will ever be the same.
I was at my usual cafe-sunday mode flouncing round bleary-eyedness and second-gear expressions, i wanted today to be memorable enough so that i can recount the ways.
An amazing chocolate mousse cake, coffee, cloudy-lemonade
"what makes it cloudy?"
"i don't know, it just comes like that"

Books, insurmountable printed paper, a catacomb of ideas indexed along creaking floorboards. Attitude, lots of it at inappropriate moments and a woman with a lorraket ontop of her head. Another character floating by in an epileptic stream.

A woman harassing passers-by for money, charity she proclaimed to Jess, peters Microsoft-friend, "no, thanks he sheepishly replied , i turn round to experience harassment only to be ignored by her.
Charity has abandoned me.

We lurched from one end of town to the other eventually settling down at 'Lounge' bohemian cafe/bar with excessive Sydney attitude and demi-fashionites.
Drinks, nicotine and more drinks... Sitting round being visually raped by provocative pictures from Debs mobile phone.
Laughter, dusk and knowing we will never be the same again before the new week ends.

Will i remember these people? will i pass them in the street unnoticed?
or will we become ashened pages on a mountain of memories.

Is it wrong to ask someone not to leave?

Today was one of those onereos days languishing in stifling summer humidity, beer, dark pub corners and many cigarillos later merely shadowed the inevible. Re-discovering what it's like to be effortless in dependency, walking slightly ajar with alcohol streaming through my veins and perfumes of others dancing beneath my nostrils.
No, I'm not a lesbian thanks as you look at me gingerly, I've become so asexual in a society of stereotypes.

I bought a shard of quartz crystal, why not, it's something I don't need.
The girl who wrapped purple tissue paper round my rock had an exceptionally calm sense, we locked eyes and I saw something.
She stared at my card once swiped through, I read her name tag, we looked at each other again,
"Jenny, Jenny Thomson...?"
she smiled,
"did you go to Arncliffe public ...."
"yes I did... you're .... "
There was a pause that punctured waterfall and languid tolling of Buddhist bells, lines in the palms of our hands crossed paths and every nuance permeating through amethyst haze, we connected.
My heart fell 50 storeys.

The eftpos machine started printing.

"Thank you very much"

I nodded and walked out, crystal tucked into a recess of a well-worn army bag salivating with tobacco resin.

Jenny was the girl I went with to my school formal, we weren't suppose to go together, but Margaret changed her mind and I was too shy to ask jenny in the first place. But as fate would have it, I ended up with a bunch of hastily broken flowers at her doorstep.
We drank fruit juice and did some english country dancing where we would skip in circles of friends and exchange, then go round to only link back together again.
Elipses of youth opening and closing our childhood.
As I sat drinking coffee on the corner of the world, I picked up remnants, histories and that heart which writhed on crackling asphalt with one hand the other on a cigarillo it's lines blurring away into apathetic smoke.
Empty faces and hastily stuck on references all dissolving into fading pulses.

My mother wants me to quit smoking, my father tells me it's upto me to decide, he quit because of us not for himself.

"he's lonely, that's why he's smoking again, are u lonely son?"

"can't quit what wont let me go"